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Friday, October 4, 2013

Celebrity Clothing Lines Are Terrible: A Study

Posted By on Fri, Oct 4, 2013 at 9:24 AM

Sorry, St. Louis -- these people refuse to clothe you.
  • Sorry, St. Louis -- these people refuse to clothe you.

True story: Adam Levine of Maroon 5 and The Voice and Nicki Minaj of...well...Nicki Minaj, now are clothing designers! AT KMART! This week, Mr. "She Will Be Loved" joined Ms. "Starships" in becoming part of the Kmart family with clothing lines that continue the 'Mart's tradition of mediocrity. Press releases say that 500 stores around the country are getting into Levine's and Minaj's pants, and the duds also are available at Kmart's

RFT Music had grand intentions of checking out these clothes in person, but the Kmart gods have decreed that no St. Louis stores will receive the uber-hip attire. WHY CAN'T WE HAVE NICE THINGS, KMART?

But wait! There are other celebrities with wonderful/terrible fashion lines! So in the spirit of St. Louis Fashion Week (happening through Sunday, October 6), we grabbed RFT staffer Danny Wicentowski and hit the Saint Louis Galleria Mall in Richmond Heights to model the best and worst (mostly the worst) of what's out there for celeb-drunk guys and gals.

See also:RFT Music Writer Auditions for The Voice, Still Hates Adam Levine


Celebrity: Actor Matthew McConaughey Clothing Line: JKL (just keep livin') Website: Brand promise: "JKL is a brand that accompanies customers on their own journeys, leading by example. Customers are welcomed, encouraged and recognized for their own paths. JKL isn't just about the clothes on your back. It's about what's in your head, what's in your heart, and the things that get you out of bed every day."

Can we take a moment to express our surprise that Matthew McConaughey even has a clothing line? The guy appears shirtless in just about every movie or magazine (not to mention Whole Foods), for Pete's sake. The irony is just too great, folks.

But it's no joke. We, indeed, found JKL at Dillard's and were kind of disappointed. We weren't expecting velcro pants from Magic Mike or anything, but this stuff was just boring:

The American flag motif makes Wicentowski think he's Superman.
  • The American flag motif makes Wicentowski think he's Superman.

JKL is all about being outdoorsy, so we can only surmise that "Leave it like you found it" means you shouldn't trash campsites or dump nuclear waste into lakes. 'MERIKUH, AMIRITE?

"This outfit wasn't too bad, and you rarely can go wrong with jeans and a T-shirt," Wicentowski says. "That being said, whoever designed the slogan didn't have much awareness of, well, American history. I imagine if a group Native Americans saw me wearing this shirt they would stomp my ass. And I would deserve it."

It ain't easy bein' green.
  • It ain't easy bein' green.

This is a joke, right? Did Matthew McConaughey base his "celebrity designer know-how" on the Garanimals color-matching model? Still, golf clap for Danny doing McConaughey proud by unzipping the sweater-shirt and showing off his chest.

"It's too bad the outfit makes me look like rotting green bean," Wicentowski says. "I must say that the air passing over my exposed chest made me feel incredibly masculine and very McConaughey-esque -- two things I do not usually feel like."

Continue for fashions by a former "Newlywed" and a guy who can't decide on a name.

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