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Wednesday, November 13, 2013

How to Not Get Groped By a Frat Guy

Posted By on Wed, Nov 13, 2013 at 9:29 AM

Ladies, let's not stand for this. - TIMOTHY NORRIS
  • Timothy Norris
  • Ladies, let's not stand for this.

Recently, this disgusting letter was sent to Georgia Tech's Phi Kappa Tau members to teach them to hook up with drunk co-eds at parties. With lines like, "if anything ever fails, go get more alcohol," it reads like a date-rape manual.

But while frat parties have long been gross, the reality is that girls will keep showing up to such events as long as there is EDM and blue UV vodka. And so we offer step-by-step suggestions on how college gals can respond to this stupid manual -- and shut down these smug, collar-popped asshats.

See also: Guys, Predatory Dance Floor Boners Are Not OK

We begin where the Phi Kappa Tau letter begins: with introductions. The writers instruct:

First, introduce yourself and get their name, ask if they are having a good time, and then ask if they want anything to drink. If they say yes, walk them to the bar and tell them what we have to drink.

This might seem like basic polite party behavior, but since a fraternity is an alternate universe, it's best to assume the worst. So, first, make up a fake name, preferably something foreign and hard to pronounce. Then procure your own red plastic cup of Natty Ice, and make sure to keep your eye on it, lest it be roofied.

The letter continues:

If they say no and they look like they are in a sorority, ask them if they are in a sorority (DUH). If not, choose one of the following: where are you living, where are you from, have you been here before, how are classes going, or where all have you been tonight. Then proceed to have a conversation.

Tell him you're living in a utility closet in student union, that classes are mostly focused on medieval weaponry and that you've got bad gas from all the Mexican food you ate earlier.

Here is how to dance: Grab them on the hips with your 2 hands and then let them grind against your dick. After that slowly alternate between just putting your hand across their stomach, but make sure don't to go to high (keep it under the boob) or too low (dont try to finger her... yet).

Slowly distance yourself from his raging genitals, putting your hands across your chest and making sure to tell him how much he reminds you of your brother every time he grazes your tits. Try not to slap him across the face...yet.

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