Support Local Journalism. Join Riverfront Times Press Club.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Musical Gift Ideas for People You Hate

Posted By on Thu, Dec 12, 2013 at 4:23 AM

working_on_a_dream.jpg

By Luke Winkie

Around this time of year, a lot of music websites put up "Holiday Gift Guides." They're either earnest, articulate and full of enthusiastic suggestions for interesting items for the music lover in your life, or they're depressing corporate-sponsored flotsam and stand as a remarkably stark representation of the state of the publishing industry. Our Holiday Gift Guide is different. We are not going to give you good ideas; we are going to give you terrible ideas. We're going to be Santa with a giant chip on his shoulder. We want to make the music lover in your life cry in either rage or sorrow. We want to nurture your spite. This is the 2013 Hater's Holiday Gift Guide.

Bullet For My Valentine Chain Wallet Nothing says tragic compensation like a mix of chains and skulls dangling from a pair of Wal-Mart shorts.

The Entirety of the Hot Topic Vinyl Selection We know you've always wanted the second Jeffree Star album on overpriced wax. What about the Dropkick Murphys discography? Thankfully, Hot Topic will always have our back.

The Same Clarinet They Played For Two Weeks In Middle School Band This is a really good gift if you want to hammer home the person's commitment issues.

Metallica_Black-Album560.jpg
Metallica's Black Album The Universal Media Disc, or UMD, was a format introduced by Sony in 2005 to be played on their PlayStation Portable handheld. Yes, in an effort to fight piracy, Sony came up with a format that could literally only be played on one uber-specific device, and called it "universal." I do like the idea of someone being so desperate to listen to Metallica that they see no other option than buying a PSP.

An Account on the AbsolutePunk.net Forums I understand you can talk about Jesse Lacey's penis on that website.

A Cheesy Gordita Crunch To be honest, I'd be pretty stoked to unwrap a weeks-old Cheesy Gordita Crunch on Christmas morning.

Continue to page two for more gift ideas.

Tags: ,

Support Local Journalism.
Join the Riverfront Times Press Club

Local journalism is information. Information is power. And we believe everyone deserves access to accurate independent coverage of their community and state. Our readers helped us continue this coverage in 2020, and we are so grateful for the support.

Help us keep this coverage going in 2021. Whether it's a one-time acknowledgement of this article or an ongoing membership pledge, your support goes to local-based reporting from our small but mighty team.

Join the Riverfront Times Club for as little as $5 a month.

Read the Digital Print Issue

January 19, 2022

View more issues

Newsletters

Never miss a beat

Sign Up Now

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.

Best Things to Do In St. Louis

© 2022 Riverfront Times

Website powered by Foundation