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Thursday, January 2, 2014

36 New Year's Resolutions for an Awful Music Journalist

Posted By on Thu, Jan 2, 2014 at 5:40 AM

Will music journalism always suck? Probably. MTV will always feature at least three Justin Bieber articles on its news page, and NME will continue their 1:4 ratio of articles about members of Oasis. And of course, people like me will still write articles about botching interviews and how cool nu-metal is.

But with a new year brings new hope. As part of the constant effort to create a better site and become a better music journalist, I multiplied six by six to give you the ultimate sixlist: 36 New Year's Resolutions for an Awful Music Journalist.

1. Say "yeah" more times than Rob Zombie but less times than Nelly 2. Never find Kreayshawn attractive again

Looking back, I'm kind of mystified that I ever did. - PRESS PHOTO
  • Press Photo
  • Looking back, I'm kind of mystified that I ever did.

3. Put my arms around Mark McGrath, just like he asked 4. Actually Imagine Dragons, because somehow it is less nerdy than listening to them 5. Create and manage a new music superstar named Doug Step 6. Create and manage a sexy pop superstar infant named "Baby Goo Goo" to tour with "Lady Gaga" 7. Finally pitch the show Danzig With the Stars 8. Replace the remaining members of the Misfits with three KISS Pez dispensers

It would be a lateral move, at the very least. - ROBERT COUSE-BAKER / FLICKR
  • Robert Couse-Baker / Flickr
  • It would be a lateral move, at the very least.

9. Figure out if Geddy Lee from Rush is really Les Claypool from Primus' grandmother 10. Remind myself when I am renewing my license that at least the DMV does not stand for Dave Matthews Van 11. To incubate in Steven Tyler's chest and then burst out of it with a tinier version of me that comes out of my mouth 12. Continue not listening to ska, even though I am impressed by a band calling themselves the Ska-Skank Redemption

Continue to page two for more New Year's Resolutions.

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