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Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Six Terrible Bands I Would Fight if I Could

Posted By on Tue, Feb 11, 2014 at 4:27 AM

Buckcherry, who really should be on this list six times. Especially that second guy from the left, with the sociopatch on his face. - PRESS PHOTO
  • Press Photo
  • Buckcherry, who really should be on this list six times. Especially that second guy from the left, with the sociopatch on his face.

In the most head-shaking article unleashed on the Internet in recent memory, it was revealed that rapper/necrophiliac/federal agent impersonator DMX has been in talks to fight George Zimmerman, the infamous idiot who gunned down young Trayvon Martin. Luckily for humanity and overall decency in general, the fight has been called off after an outpouring of disapproval on social media.

The whole shitshow got me thinking, though, about fighting and musicians and poor taste in general, and which musical artists I would gladly rain blows upon if given the legal chance to do so. To get into the same mindset as I, it would be best to start huffing some rubber cement, put on this Abwärts album and let your glassy eyes read over these six bands that I'd like to fight.

(Oh, and if you happen to be in one of these groups, let's set this shit up. Your move, Buckcherry.)

6. Buckcherry

Buckcherry is excrement. Just hearing the name sends my mind spinning as I picture an army of shitty dudes wearing T-shirts under sport jackets, snorting cocaine and high-fiving their greasy-haired friends while "Lit Up" plays in the background.

As I grit my teeth, I imagine another scene where some dude with Sailor Jerry tattoos enters a "dive bar" where they sell $6 PBR tall boys, posting up in the corner with arms folded and eyes lowered. He makes gives a casual glance at some woman whose favorite movie is Coyote Ugly, and after a quick wink, he walks over to the jukebox and plays "Crazy Bitch." The woman nods and then they embrace, falling on top of a pool table as the balls fly everywhere. Then they have sex and create 100 other bands from California that sound exactly like Buckcherry, proud of themselves for "livin' the wild life."

Requiring an outlet for my pure hate, I recently took matters into my own hands and began Tweeting my disgust to this band. While I have yet to receive a response from the members of Buckcherry, a few of the group's fans have taken up the noble and intellectual cause of accusing me of being gay. Because you know, only some horrible gay man would reject the unbridled, pure, masculine rock & roll nature of Los Angeles' elite renegades Buckcherry.

The Fight: Mike Tyson once tried to bribe a zoo attendant to let him into a gorilla cage so he could fight one of the gorillas who was bullying the others. I'm not sure which of us would be the gorilla is and which would be Tyson, but the fight would resemble something like that.

5. Hinder

In a 2008 interview, Hinder frontman Austin Winkler claims he became an expert on making authentic rock because he read a book by a guy in Motley Crue. The tattooed doofus who sang the radio-wreck "Lips of an Angel" goes on to talk about how bands don't push limits, which is funny coming from a guy whose band is as dangerous as mint ice cream.

The Fight: Austin recently entered rehab. While none of us will ever recover from how horrible Hinder is, I have respect for anyone who is willing to admit they have a problem and confront it. Fittingly, I would drink a ton of tequila and probably let the entire band beat me up in the same way you let your friend's son always win at Mario Kart.

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