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Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Six Reasons to Take Your Band On Tour

Posted By on Tue, Jun 17, 2014 at 5:21 AM


There are a lot of ways to travel the world. Most of them involve being extremely wealthy. However, if you weren't born with the gift of mommy and daddy's golden checkbook, you can still find a fairly respectable way to see the world, provided you're OK with sleeping on a pool table and using a blood-stained pillow once and a while.

Just start a band, play some shows in your hometown, then tell everyone you're too cool to hang around and go book a tour. When you're not fighting off hordes of attractive groupies as they paw at your clothes and try to hand you money, you can experience the joys of beautiful national treasures/glorified gas stations like Wall Drug and South of the Border. Tour is also your chance to justify eating seventeen gas station burritos over the course of a few weeks.

See also: Six Reasons Employers Should Hire Touring Musicians

Are you itching to spend a week wearing the same underwear while you chug cheap lager every night yet? You should be. To seal the deal, here's six more reasons why you need to take your band on tour.

6. You Suck

Nobody ever buys you a drink after you play. People stare at you blankly between songs -- even when you're not playing on the east coast. Nobody even glances at your merch table with the badass three color t-shirts -- the ones where Dennis Rodman's head is exploding and shooting out magic mushrooms. It's not because the crowd isn't friendly or just inherently dislikes your style: It's because your band sucks.

Going on tour won't write better basslines or stop your singer from reading poetry to the crowd while you tune your guitar, but it will sharpen whatever turd you've been polishing into a nice and pointy piece of shit that you can stab the hearts of your audience with. Play the same songs twenty nights in a row and you're bound to get better. We hope. Or maybe you'll get worse to the point where people at least have a good time laughing at you.

5. You're Boring

Remember that time in Washington when you smashed a beer bottle over your head and then wiped the blood all over the girl wearing the white fur coat because she was the only person that was too drunk to realize when to get away from you? And that she was actually a girl from your hometown that you used to talk to on AOL thirteen years ago?

And then, do you recall how your 30 year old van broke down after you ate hot dogs outside of a gay bar, still covered in blood, then you almost punched out your drummer because he blamed the van breaking down on you and your need for hot dogs? Do you remember the homeless guy wearing the Monster Energy hat that the girl in the fur coat let come back to her house with you guys because she didn't realize he was just some dude sleeping on the sidewalk and not a member of the band?

You probably don't remember these things, because they happened to me, not you -- because I'm not boring, because I went on tour with my band.

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