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Friday, July 25, 2014

The Gathering of the Juggalos' Night Court Helps Wicked Clowns Bury the Hatchet

Posted By on Fri, Jul 25, 2014 at 7:21 AM

Page 2 of 3

The Honorable Judge High Bone. - NATE "IGOR" SMITH
  • Nate "Igor" Smith
  • The Honorable Judge High Bone.

Case Number 2: Devon v. Sam

The case of Devon v. Sam was less clean-cut, and saw a fair amount of debate and discussion from both sides. Sam took Devon to task for his possession of a camping chair, which he had been bringing to all events at the Seminar Tent (home of Juggalo Night Court as well as the many talks delivered by Psychopathic Records artists). Devon would arrive early and place his chair front and center, allowing himself an up-close view of the proceedings. Sam argued that Devon should be in the thick of things, seated on a hay bale "with the rest of the juggalo family."

Judge High Bone questioned Devon as to whether he had any special needs that would require the use of a chair. Devon indicated that he did not, and then even offered to give Sam his seat. As the two discussed the virtues of the varying seating arrangements at the venue, one member of the jury helpfully suggested that Sam "sit on his fucking lap" as several others became dissatisfied and began demanding a "double spin" on the Wheel of Bone, meaning that both the defendant and the plaintiff would receive punishment, "for wasting everyone's fucking time with this shit."

"If it happens to land on the dunk tank he's gotta sit on his lap," were Judge High Bone's remarks.

The accused accept their fate. - NATE "IGOR" SMITH
  • Nate "Igor" Smith
  • The accused accept their fate.

Sentence: Dance of Fools In the official Juggalo Lawbooks, the Dance of Fools is defined as follows: The loser is to stand in front of the Wall of Punishment as a dozen eggs and two Super Soakers -- possibly filled with urine, according to the judge -- are handed out to volunteers from the audience. A "silly song" would then be played, and the loser is to dance for its duration while the volunteer executioners unload their arsenal.

When the court asked for volunteers, 30 to 40 eager juggalos immediately sprung to their feet.

A problem with this sentence presented itself immediately when Judge High Bone informed the crowd that production had, sadly, run out of eggs. The incensed audience cried out for justice, their discontent turning immediately to sadistic joy when the judge added, "but the paintball guns are here." The desire within the audience members to be chosen for the task reached a fevered pitch at this point, with one seated juggalo enthusiastically offering, "I'll suck my own dick!" as an incentive for inclusion.

The juggalo firing squad takes aim down its sights. - NATE "IGOR" SMITH
  • Nate "Igor" Smith
  • The juggalo firing squad takes aim down its sights.

In the end, a paintball team from Wisconsin was picked for the job. The group stood three rows of hay bales back and fired a total of nine shots from three guns at each of the accused. Devon walked away unscathed, prompting unhappiness from the bloodthirsty crowd, but Sam was not so lucky and suffered direct blows from five of the shots. Both the musical and dancing elements of the Dance of Fools punishment were apparently forgotten.

Blocking the family jewels was a good move. - NATE "IGOR" SMITH
  • Nate "Igor" Smith
  • Blocking the family jewels was a good move.

Continue to the next page for the third case of the night.

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