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Friday, July 25, 2014

The Gathering of the Juggalos' Night Court Helps Wicked Clowns Bury the Hatchet

Posted By on Fri, Jul 25, 2014 at 7:21 AM

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Andrew, on the right, defendant in this matter. - NATE "IGOR" SMITH
  • Nate "Igor" Smith
  • Andrew, on the right, defendant in this matter.

Case Number 3: Ninja Lotus v. Andrew

There was a lull in the night's proceedings at this point, with no further cases on the docket. "How about we just start boning people?" was one audience member's suggestion, meaning the court would start forcing attendees to spin the Wheel of Bone despite no crime having been committed. The judge replied, "What, are you horny?" and then balked at the tyranny of this police-state idea, reminding all that Juggalo Night Court adheres to the laws of the land. When a skinny young juggalo stood up and volunteered, the audience let loose with an unprecedented "LET HIM SPIN!" chant. The court saw fit to oblige.

The Wheel landed on a sentence called "Permanent Peon," for which audience members are handed markers and given one minute to draw on the body of the accused. "I'll suck my own dick" guy from earlier again offered his intriguing incentive, and was chosen for the task. As the lack of proper writing implements became apparent, he reached into his pocket.

"I have a Sharpie that I stole from the Autograph Tent," he announced. As the jury reeled from this explosive and unexpected courtroom confession, "I'll suck my own dick" guy, a.k.a. Andrew, was brought up on charges of theft.

The court still allowed time to draw dicks on that other guy, though. - NATE "IGOR" SMITH
  • Nate "Igor" Smith
  • The court still allowed time to draw dicks on that other guy, though.

Audience member Ninja Lotus stepped up to argue the case for the prosecution. His case was simple, but convincing: "He just admitted it in front of everybody."

Andrew took to his own defense: "I was going to return it," he claimed. He then appealed to the jury's artistic sensibilities, pointing to the giant penis now drawn on the previous Wheel-spinner's chest and remarking, "That's an amazing dick, and without this pen that I borrowed, it wouldn't have happened."

It really is a magnificent penis, though. - NATE "IGOR" SMITH
  • Nate "Igor" Smith
  • It really is a magnificent penis, though.

Judge High Bone commented on the case, asking Andrew, "How do you know it's an amazing dick? How many dicks have you seen?"

"I just know it looks way better than my dick," was Andrew's retort. "My dick is horrible. My dick looks like a vagina." These arguments met with the approval of the jury, who immediately launched into a "MUTILATED DICKS! MUTILATED DICKS!" chant.

Despite their appreciation of Andrew's vagina-dick, the jury did not buy Andrew's claim that he intended to return the marker, loudly chanting "BULLSHIT!" Andrew was found guilty. As he spun the Wheel of Bone, the defeated man exclaimed in defeat: "Fuck my life!"

Sentence: Trivial Torture Judge High Bone let out an audible yelp of glee when the Wheel landed on this sentence. "I never get to torture anyone!" he said. "That ends tonight." High Bone then stepped off of the bench and down to the electric chair in which Andrew was being strapped.

"Is it going to hurt?" he asked, even though he knew the answer was yes. - NATE "IGOR" SMITH
  • Nate "Igor" Smith
  • "Is it going to hurt?" he asked, even though he knew the answer was yes.

Andrew was then asked five trivia questions. For each question that he answered incorrectly, he experienced a shock from electrodes operated by the Honorable Judge. He answered all five incorrectly.

As we stood up to leave, Judge High Bone announced again that there were no further cases on the night's docket. The dearth of incidents in need of official arbitration speaks to the Gathering's overall lack of conflict -- far from the violent image they project, the majority of juggalos are a peaceful bunch, self-policing and quick to bury the hatchet, if you can pardon the pun.

But don't mistake that pacifism for weakness. Those in violation of the law of the land have Juggalo Night Court to answer to for their crimes.

"Two more? What the fuck?!" shouted Andrew, in pain following his third shock of the night. Clutching the chair's controls, Judge High Bone grinned ear to ear. Juggalo justice had been served.

See also: Wild Scenes at the Gathering of the Juggalos 2014

Follow the author on Twitter at @fatrobocop

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