Thursday, September 25, 2014

My Dad Says the New U2 Album Sucks

Posted By on Thu, Sep 25, 2014 at 10:15 AM

click to enlarge My father, the Rooster, going for a casual evening ride.
  • My father, the Rooster, going for a casual evening ride.

Once, during high school, I was woken up early on a Saturday by my dad, the Rooster (self-named after the Alice In Chains song) with a loud, repetitive knock. As I stumbled into the living room in my underwear, he bellowed, "Jim! I found this great new band."

I rubbed the sand out of my eyes with a look that must have said "I'm very interested in this; prove it," but actually just said "It's 8 a.m." He pointed at the stereo. I lumbered forth and pushed play, then heard the somber whispers of "Let the bodies hit the floor" erupt into the scream-filled, deafening chorus of Drowning Pool's "Bodies." I turned around and the Rooster was playing air guitar on a broom at our old dog Claire, named after Clarice from Silence of The Lambs.

So yeah, that's my dad.

Fast-forward to the present, when recently, U2 force-fed its newest album, Songs of Innocence, to all of us with iPhones via a Trojan horse disguised as a generous missionary-esque gift. It is the first of a tentative double set, with Songs of Experience supposedly coming within the next year as well.

Recalling posters, VHS tapes and CD covers from the band's more renowned, classic work (Boy, War, The Unforgettable Fire, Joshua Tree, etc.) always being around in our basement underneath my grandmother's condo, one might deduce that the Rooster would have a strong opinion about this newest effort/marketing ploy. As luck would have it, he did.

"I don't want to listen to that garbage at all," the Rooster crowed. "To paraphrase a Brian Posehn joke, I'd rather cut off my ears and burn them. So they couldn't be reattached."

The Rooster started on a tear, defiantly stating that U2 hasn't been worth paying attention since the movie/LP one-two punch of 1988's Rattle and Hum, widely recognized as an artistic flop by both the band and critics alike.

"You see, a lot of the themes on Joshua Tree are very Christian," he explained. "That seems to be their whole point. But now, they're just cashing in on acting like Jesus."

He added, "Ooh, look at all the money we have now. There's so much we can just give our genius away for free. They went from the Whores of Babylon to just plain ol' corporate whores." After another drag off a smoke, he capped that thought.

"I tell ya, Jim. The only good thing about this showing up on iTunes was the great feeling I got from erasing it."

Continue to page two for more thought from the Rooster.

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