Friday, October 3, 2014

Six Reasons To Always Stagedive

Posted By on Fri, Oct 3, 2014 at 4:07 AM


Recently, extremely dangerous pop-punk band Joyce Manor ignited controversy among true rockers everywhere after its members stopped one of their fans from stagediving on some small women. The band even later took to Facebook to condemn the practice.

Although the move is likely motivated by positive intentions, this band is stupid and wrong. Stagediving is the most important thing that any human being could ever do at a rock & roll show. If you do not stagedive at all shows, you are probably a coward who is afraid of everything. It is important for so many reasons, which I will now list for you in a simple and readable format that also pays me money.

  • Theo Welling

6. You Paid To Get In (Probably)

Because your friend who knows the opening band wasn't responding to your seven text messages about getting guest-listed, you became a paying customer. And as we all know, the customer is always right. Therefore, you deserve to plunge your greasy and disgusting body all over whomever you want. And if anyone tries to stop you, do you know what you have the right -- no, OBLIGATION -- to do? The truest, most emo pop-punk rock thing ever: Ask for your money back and post about it on the motherfuckin' Internet.


5. People Secretly Want To Get Stagedived Upon

If these Joyce Manor fans weren't trying to get stagedived on, why were they standing in the only place where you can really see the band? Why even go out to watch an intensely emotional, mid-paced and kinda wussy-sounding group if you're afraid to get hurt in what undoubtedly will be the most extreme cluster of chaos this side of a Tom Petty cover-band concert? Look, they bought the ticket. Now take them on a ride to the floor, big dawg.

4. Better You Hurt People Than Some Other Asshole

Bad things happen all the time. You could get hit by a car, or some drunk fratboy might punch you at random for no reason. At least here, at the Joyce Manor concert, when you stagedive on someone and dislocate some of their vertebrae, your victim will fondly remember you and the good times you shared together listening to the band's muted emo stylings as they are cringing from nerve pain whenever they sit down or reach to pick up something they dropped.

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