Thursday, December 11, 2014

Why Ariana Grande Is Terrifying

Posted By on Thu, Dec 11, 2014 at 3:17 AM

Behold the face of pure evil. - MELISSA ROSE VIA WIKIPEDIA
  • Melissa Rose via Wikipedia
  • Behold the face of pure evil.

I feel the same way about pop star Ariana Grande as I do about kittens. Like a kitten, she is small, manic and often has furry ears. Like a kitten, everyone in the world loves her. And, like a kitten, she fills me with deep, untenable terror.

This is not a reason to grin. It's a reason to lock your doors.

News reports have done nothing to quiet my petrifying fear of demon-plagued potential serial killer Ariana Grande. If she turns out to be a sociopath who takes over the world and destroys us, don't act like I didn't warn you in a completely reasoned way.

Let's survey the evidence:

Her Family
Psychologists generally agree that sociopathy runs in families. One memory Grande has of her mother seems a little different from the typical nurturing: "When I was a little kid she smeared blood all over the walls in our new house and said O.J. did it." And then there's her brother, who detailed his fantasies for an elaborate killing of one of his housemates on Big Brother 16. So, OK then.

Her Mutability The ability to change one's emotions at the blink of an eye is a classic trait of sociopathy. Take a look at the footage of this conversation with the hosts of Good Morning America on the topic of Ariana's recently deceased grandfather:

For a second Ariana looks like she's going to cry. Then, everyone looks away and -- snap, nod, drop. If there's anything left on her face, it's cold, undiluted malice. This is the part when Ryan Seacrest wakes up in the middle of the night with "U DIE ALIVE LOL" written in blood across his chest.

Her Accent Speaking of abrupt shifts, observe the progression of Ariana's public persona. During an inane interview featuring questions inside of balloons, she sounds essentially the same as her character on the brain-meltingly idiotic teen sitcom Victorious, her sole source of fame at the time. Now compare this to an interview six months later after the release of her hit debut single, "The Way."

Asthmatic white girl to super-down and borderline ratchet over the course of a semester? You don't go from teen idiot to "urban cool" that convincingly unless you've got a Ted Bundy-esque eye for interpersonal control.

Continue to page two for more proof that Ariana Grande is to be feared.

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