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Thursday, February 12, 2015

Behold the Least Metal Video Ever Made

Posted By on Thu, Feb 12, 2015 at 5:40 AM

If you don't remember Chris Holmes from his stint as lead guitarist in W.A.S.P., you may be forgiven. The band was, after all, just another hair-metal act, and not one whose work has particularly stood the test of time. On the other hand, if you don't remember Chris Holmes from his interview in the Penelope Spheeris documentary The Decline of Western Civilization Part II: The Metal Years, then you might have brain damage.

Who could ever forget Holmes floating in a swimming pool on an inflatable chair, swigging vodka from three separate bottles and babbling incoherently as his mom looked on, worried? It's arguably the greatest interview in music-documentary history.

His latest video is the music-video equivalent of that interview. Oh. My. God.

I was sent "Let It Roar" by a friend, who has apparently made it a full-time hobby to expose me to terrible metal videos until I snap. Well the joke's on him, because I made it through all 4:42 minutes of this mess. However, I could only do so by marking each progressive bit of surrealism that Holmes unleashes over the video's course. Here follows that chronology.

0:01: Holmes has a boat called Mean Man. I thought boats were supposed to be named after women. Maybe there's a woman named Mean Man. I should respect her life choices.

0:09: I'm 99 percent certain this riff is just "Rock You Like a Hurricane" played incorrectly.

0:21: What is the Sammy Hagar of Sammy Hagar? Because that's what Chris Holmes looks like.

0:28: For some reasons Holmes is helpfully pointing out the location of this video on a map. I can only assume it's so that his many fans will be able to reenact his walking on piers. Either that or he wants some company.

0:40: You call a song "Let It Roar" and your first lyric is "You'd best be getting ready." I'm pretty sure that should not coincide with a shot of our metal mean man sitting calmly in his house drinking tea. No, it's not more metal if you ball up your non-teacup holding hand.

0:45: Also, your blood cannot be boiling sprawled out in a chair with your feet up on an ottoman. Come on, man.

0:53: Time for a mid-video snack! I think he just ate a raw spring onion.

0:56: Chris Holmes is so amazing that he can play the piano in his house and it still comes out sounding exactly like an electric guitar. There is literally no difference. That is very impressive to me.

1:12: In times of great personal crisis, Holmes takes refuge and strength from this statue of a lioness licking her cub. Who wouldn't?

Story continues on the next page.


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