Baseball Card of the Week: Insert Fat Joke Here

Hooray! The Cardinals are no longer cheap, grasping bastards who refuse to part with their ill-gotten gains to put a winning team on the field! 

Wait, that isn't what this means? Oh. Well, never mind then. Yes, I realize he isn't CC Sabathia. About the same size, though, so there's that, right? Sigh. You people are never satisfied. 

Yesterday, the Cardinals made a very nice little move, signing Dennys Reyes, recently of the Minnesota Twins, to complement Trever Miller as a second left-handed reliever. Probably a good thing, too; I don't think Royce Ring was the answer, and none of the other non-roster guys the Cardinals had brought in seemed to be setting the world on fire. Alas, this may mean the Charlie Manning Era may be over before it ever began. Tragedy. 

Anyhow, as is our custom here at The Rundown when there's a new player to welcome to town, this week's Baseball Card of the Week honors our newest rooting interest.

This week's entry is a 2008 Dennys Reyes card by Upper Deck. Normally, I try to at least make some sort of comment on the design of the card, or the color scheme, or something along those lines, but I find myself unable to today. My eye is drawn immediately away from the card, directly to the center of the photo, and I am forced to marvel at the sheer size of the Cardinals' newest acquisition. 

I mean honestly, how often do you see an "athlete" that looks like that? Maybe sumo tournaments and the like, but not too many other sporting endeavors are conducive to that sort of physique. Yikes. 

To me, there are a few pros and cons to this deal. On the pro side, the last time the Cards had a left-handed reliever of this carriage, it was one Ray "Burger" King, and he worked out pretty well for the Cards. For a while, anyway, until he pissed off the manager and punched his ticket out of town. On the other hand, when the Cardinals did trade King, they acquired the most important player in all of baseball, so it wasn't a total loss. 

I do find myself worrying, though, about signing Reyes specifically. After all, the last time the Cardinals signed a slightly heavy lefty specialist who was playing for Mexico in the World Baseball Classic, it was the spring of 2006, and the player was Ricardo Rincon. Let's hope Reyes works out better than that. Actually, come to think of it, 2006 was also the last time that -- oh my god! I think I may have figured it all out! I know Mo's plan! He went looking for what made the 2006 team special, and this is what he came up with. Holy shit. World Series, here we come! 

So welcome to town, Mr. Reyes. Glad to have you here; not only should this move shore up the Cards' bullpen nicely, but maybe it will buy a day or two of silence from the chorus of people screaming about the Cardinals not ever signing anyone, at all, ever.

Oh, and Dennys? I would recommend to you that you pick up a copy of this fine publication I work for. See, in the RFT we have this huge restaurant section in the middle, with little blurbs about dozens of places to eat in every single issue. From the looks of it, that's right up your alley. 

Alright. Enough fat jokes. At least until I find some way to turn my own damn self back into a skinny guy.

Scroll to read more St. Louis Metro News articles (1)


Join Riverfront Times Newsletters

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.