Given the recent hoopla
regarding Jose Oquendo
and the self-proclaimed lord of pitching in Puerto Rico, Joel Pineiro
, I thought that the Secret Weapon could use a feature. You know, show him that we're all behind him, and are perfectly well aware that El Pinata is not a good pitcher in any way, shape or form.
So here it is, Jose. Enjoy.
What we have today is a 1989 Jose Oquendo card by Fleer. And let me just say, that is one of the ugliest fucking baseball cards I've ever seen in my life. What genius decided that the perfect color palette for a baseball card was a pastel green, pink, and purple stripe? Honestly, it's just almost too much to look at.
But look beyond the hideous card itself, my friends, and witness one of
the giants of the modern Cardinal franchise. We all like to look back
at Ozzie with awe, and rightfully so, as he was the greatest Cardinal
of his day. We love Willie McGee, and it's tough to find much fault
with that, either. After all, everybody loves E.T., and McGee was
essentially just a full-sized, flesh and blood version. But lost in a
lot of that is Oquendo, the only player from those days to still be a
part of the day-to-day operation of the Cardinal ballclub.
He may or may not be the manager in waiting, but the Secret Weapon is
certainly one of the major cogs in the winning machine that the Cards
have built this decade. He is to infielders what Dave Duncan
mediocre veteran pitchers: your best bet for turning them into
He's credited with being the biggest reason for
turning into the best defender at first base in all of
baseball (and anyone who wishes to debate that based on Gold Gloves can
just fuck off), and the work he did with J.D. Drew's younger brother,
Stephen, is a huge part of the reason the youngest Drew is now an all-star caliber second baseman with the Arizona Diamondbacks.
This spring, Oquendo may actually face his most daunting task to date:
trying to turn Skip Schumaker
into a competent second baseman before
the season starts, all the while managing the Puerto Rican team in the
World Baseball Classic.
If he pulls it off, it may go down as one of
the greatest performances anyone in a coaches' uniform has ever turned
in. If not, well, we probably just won't mention it very much. But
we'll still know it happened.
So good luck, Jose. Something tells me that this spring, you're probably going to need it.