Bold Prediction: Kia Boyz Supplanted by Female Rivals, HyunDamez

Looking ahead to St. Louis in 2023

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click to enlarge A Hyundai Sonata sits abandoned after being crashed into a tree in St. Louis city. - Courtesy Nic Reese
Courtesy Nic Reese
A Hyundai Sonata sits abandoned after being crashed into a tree in St. Louis city.

St. Louis is more than fed up with the Kia Boyz running amok, taking our cars out for joyriding and to commit other crimes before crashing them into a light pole or the front window of a weed dispensary.

But the Kia Boyz's days are numbered. The future is female. We're not naive enough to think that youths in the city will stop stealing cars, but we do predict that the wild lack of gender parity among juvenile car thieves is untenable. How much longer can we expect girls to watch their male peers get to have all the fun, getting to use the thousands of Hyundais and Kias in the city like a free ride-share service?

Our prediction is that in 2023 the HyunDamez will catch up to and then usurp the Kia Boyz in grand-theft-auto prowess. This will, of course, set off a crisis of identity among the Kia Boyz, who will question their role in the TikTok-trend-based criminal subculture. They'll console each other on internet message boards and long openly for the days when an honest, hard-working Kia Boy could sneak out of the house at 10 p.m., steal a Santa Fe to use in an armed robbery and then flee a police helicopter in a Sorento, without being called "toxic" or "a danger to society."

By the end of the year, a significant percentage of the Kia Boyz will have dropped out of the car-theft labor market entirely. A new lost generation, they'll hole up in their mother's basement, watching hours and hours of pornography on their phones; the only crimes they'll manage to commit will be war crimes on Call of Duty. They will become a new constituency for Josh Hawley, who will write a book about their plight.

Welcome to Bold Predictions for 2023, an effort to forecast what the future holds for the St. Louis region.


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About The Author

Ryan Krull

Ryan Krull is a staff writer for the Riverfront Times. Find him on Twitter @ryanwkrull
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