Brandon Davies: Come Play for Saint Louis University, Sex Your Girlfriend All You Want

Mar 3, 2011 at 12:13 pm
You're okay with St. Louis, Brandon. - Image Via
You're okay with St. Louis, Brandon.
Brigham Young University, better known to sports fans the nation over as BYU, may very well have lost their chance at winning a national championship this year. They're currently ranked number three in the nation, and were widely expected to grab one of the four number one seeds in the upcoming NCAA tournament. However, thanks to a violation of the school's honor code by their center, BYU may find themselves undermanned. 

The violation in question? Pre-marital sex. 

I know, I know. Shocking. I apologize for bringing such an unpleasant subject into everyone's homes. I'll give you all a moment to attend to any ladies out there who may have put the back of their hands to their foreheads and fainted onto something. 

That's right, ladies and gentlemen, Brandon Davies was suspended from the basketball team for the heinous act of sleeping with his girlfriend outside the holy bonds of matrimony. Now, I completely understand the position of the university here. After all, BYU is operated by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (aka the Mormons), a group not exactly noted for the liberal attitudes toward rocking the casbah. Or much of anything else, for that matter. 

So hey, you want to screw your girlfriend without walking down that aisle, there are likely going to be consequences. You pays your money and you takes your chances. (Though, in this case, it seems unlikely any money was actually paid, since the woman was his girlfriend, not a prostitute.) 

However, I think there could be a silver lining here. On behalf of the whole St. Louis community, I would like to invite Mr. Davies to come here and play basketball for our own hometown religiously-funded and -administrated institution of higher learning, St. Louis University. 

First off, Mr. Davies, you're a hell of a ballplayer, and we sorely need those here at dear old SLU. After all, it was kind of exciting when Rick Majerus was brought in as coach, but he's not really pulling his weight in terms of doing the job on the court. You would immediately become the star of the team. Awesome, right? 

Second, premarital sex would be an incredibly welcome change of pace. Hell, we're used to much, much worse from our basketball players. You got kicked off the squad for sleeping with your girlfriend. You did not, however, conspire with a group of teammates to run a train on said girlfriend, and you have yet to be accused of rape of any kind. You cannot imagine how big a step up that actually is from our point of view. 

click to enlarge My apologies to any ladies who may have been given the vapours by this piece.
My apologies to any ladies who may have been given the vapours by this piece.
​And as for all that apologising to teammates, dude, you'll never have to do that here for engaging in hanky panky. Even moderately unwholesome stuff would probably be okay. You might get some high-fives even. You definitely won't have to prostrate yourself in front of your fellow ballers. Unless you're into that sort of thing. That might be pushing it, though. 

In order to sweeten the pot on this deal and bring you to St. Louis, I'm willing to step things up on my end. If you agree to transfer here to SLU, I will personally go out and purchase you three (3) full boxes of any brand condom you like. I'm also sure we could take up some sort of collection right here at the RFT offices to pay for a prescription for birth-control pills for your lady if you like. Now, just so I'm not accused of painting an overly rosy picture, you'll probably have to hide whatever prophylactics we can acquire for you from the Catholics you would be playing for (they tend to frown on the population controls, you know), but we could totally hook you guys up with like a lock for your bathroom drawer or something. 

Plus, we have a remarkably wide selection of adult boutiques in our fair city, so anytime you and the old ball and chain get to thinking you might want to expand your horizons, I guarantee you'll have an easier time of it here than in Salt Lake City. 

So think it over, Brandon. I know things seem dark now, what with your adventure in non-church-approved nookie having cost you a title chance and all, but when god closes a door he always opens a window, right? (I'm not going to speculate on what the literal equivalent of that homily would be for your current situation, because this is a family site. Okay, it isn't, but still. I don't go full-on blue until the late show Friday.) Come to St. Louis. You can have sex with your girlfriend all you want, and we won't mind. Just ask her first and don't line up the rest of the team in the hallway. 

 We'll buy you protection and celebrate the fact we don't have to read about your exploits with half the material redacted to protect the innocent. Hell, by our current standards you are the innocent! I'm telling you, Brandon, there is a way you can play Division I basketball and still get laid. And we can make it happen. 

I look forward to seeing you in Billiken blue. 

And finally, just to help hopefully seal the deal, I've enlisted the help of a man who's forgotten more about getting in trouble for the sex he's having than you or I will ever learn.