Daryl Strawberry Fails to Measure Up

May 1, 2009 at 8:16 am
So apparently Daryl Strawberry had himself some sex, huh? 

See, the Straw Man, now all grown up, Christitized, and living right here in the 'Lou, is coming out with a book that details his sex-and-drugs-and-rock-and-roll (probably minus the rock and roll, to be completely honest), lifestyle in those heady days known as the 1980s.

(Oh, and by the way, not to get all political on you guys, but I hope you realize just how much it hurts me to acknowledge that Sean Hannity actually exists by putting this video here.) 

Well, I have to say, at least as to Daryl's claims of sleeping with more than 1,000 women, meh. Color me decidedly unimpressed. After all, as professional athlete sexual escapades go, 1,000 ladies just doesn't really match up, now does it? 

Wilt Chamberlain claimed to have bagged more than 20,000 women in his lifetime, twenty times the number that Strawberry is talking about. Now that's some man whoring! 

Let's do some math on this one, shall we? Wilt played in the NBA from the 1959-60 season through the 72-73 season. That's a total of fourteen years that he played at the top of the game, fourteen years in which he could do his prime conquesting. 

Now take out, say 5,000 of those women, put them in years he didn't play in the NBA. Dude still had it goin' on, right? Okay. So in those fourteen years, he bagged 15,000 women, give or take a couple hundred. That comes out to a little over 1071 women a year through those years! Nearly three women a day for fourteen years. You just can't overstate what kind of consistency and performance Wilt the Stilt could bring, baby. 

Daryl, on the other hand, played seventeen seasons in the majors. Now, admittedly, only his first nine were really full seasons, but the man hung on quite a while, you know? He was still Daryl Strawberry, after all. So we'll take his 1,000, subtract 250, just to keep the same ratio as what we used with Wilt, and then divide that 750 by the seventeen years he played. That gives us just a little bit over 44 ladies per year. That's less than one new woman a week for all those years! 

And even more than just the sheer number of women, let's look at the other factors of each man's age: the drugs. After all, it wasn't really sex that led to Daryl's downfall, now was it? 

See, Strawberry played primarily in the 1980s, when cocaine was the drug of choice. The stuff flowed like water. White, powdery, beautiful water, tasting of lemon and aspirin and love and death and, um, wait. What was I talking about? Oh, yeah. Cocaine. 

Anyhow, compare that to Wilt's heyday. Wilt played in the 60s and into the 70s. Cocaine was a bit player at best. There was heroin, sure, but that doesn't really seem like Wilt's style, does it? No, I think it's pretty safe to say that Wilt Chamberlain was most likely a weed man through and through. He played on the West Coast in the late 60s; need I say any more? 

So we've got Strawberry, dosed to the gills on Bolivian Bingo Dust on the one hand, and then there's Wilt over in the corner with Bootsy Collins, hitting on a VW Minibus that's been converted into a bong. Which one of them do you think is, as they say, "locked and loaded?" 

Let's face it: cocaine and marijuana do not have even remotely the same sort of effect on the body, including the sex drive. You give me a three day weekend and enough blow, I'll plow through thirty, maybe forty college girls, bare-knuckle box a rhinoceros for 35 rounds, and still have the energy to scrub my bathroom tile until it stops laughing at me. Take that same three day weekend and eight ounces of skunk, though, and the only box I'm hitting the bottom of is a family pack of Cheez-Its from Costco. 

Wilt did 20 times what Strawberry did, with four less years of playing time and the wang-depressing effects of heavy pot consumption fighting against him. 

I know Wilt Chamberlain, and you, sir, are no Wilt Chamberlain. 

Oh, and congratulations on the whole getting clean thing there, Mr. Strawberry. I did mention that, right? Very cool.