Unreal gawks at a prominent piece of public art and spends quality time with a pronoun; plus, we (neatly) gorge ourselves on chicken wings and wash it all down with a malternative

Nov 3, 2004 at 4:00 am
Old-school Democrat Tom Bauer made a name for himself canvassing Dogtown for votes aboard his trusty ass, Scotty.

Now it's the 24th Ward St. Louis alderman's erection that has locals talking.

Last month Bauer unveiled a bronze statue designed to pay homage to the borough's namesake. The sculpture, created by local artist Rudolph Torrini, features a child standing next to his devoted mutt. Innocuous enough, but when viewed in profile the dog's muzzle gives new meaning to the term "man's best friend."

"It looks like the boy has a tremendous boner!" says a concerned Dogtown resident who brought the matter to Unreal's attention. According to the woman, who didn't want her name associated with the affair, children from nearby St. James the Greater parish school are taking great pleasure in alerting residents to the statue's special feature.

Alderman Bauer expresses his stalwart support for the $57,000 artwork, purchased with public money.

"It's a great image that helps bring identity to the community," says he.

Then Unreal whips out the penis question.

Responds Bauer: "Somebody told me something crazy like that, but I've never looked at it from that perspective."

Artist Torrini laughs off any naughty interpretations of his work, saying, "I guess evil is in the eye of the beholder."

The Malternative Press

Anheuser-Busch Cos. has added a bit of color to the lineup of its Bacardi Silver family of flavored malt beverages to catch the wandering eye of young adult drinkers....

Green Apple has 4.5 grams of carbohydrates and 94 calories in a 12-ounce serving. The drink and Bacardi Silver Low Carb Black Cherry, introduced four months ago, are malternatives with the lowest carb count, according to the brewer....

A-B also is focusing its Green Apple advertising efforts on female-oriented cable networks such as Oxygen and Style, because female adult drinkers are more interested in low-carb malternatives....

Begun as a rum-flavored malternative, the Bacardi Silver products include orange-flavored O3, raspberry-flavored Raz, lemon-flavored Limon and Black Cherry....

-- from an October 23, 2004, story by Gregory Cancelada in the St. Louis Post-Dispatch

October 22, 2004

Two members of Anheuser-Busch's corporate media-relations department broke into the offices of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch early this evening and assaulted business reporter Gregory Cancelada.

Surprising Cancelada at his desk, the assailants wrestled him to the ground, blindfolded him and tied him to Metro columnist Sylvester Brown's custom-fitted Aeron chair.

Cancelada was forced to chug a six-pack of Bacardi Silver Low Carb Green Apple as the two men looked on.

"Say you like the malternative, bitch!" one of the assailants screamed. "Say it! Malternative!"

Post-Dispatch security officials arrived at the scene to find Cancelada surrounded by Green Apple empties but no sign of his captors.

Cancelada appeared intoxicated but was otherwise uninjured and declined paramedics' recommendation that he be transported to a nearby hospital for observation.

You Know What They Says

Forty-three-year-old Branson resident Andrew Wilson woke up one morning and decided to change his name to They. So he did it. On September 16 a judge made it official. Now the self-employed inventor is way more famous than he ever was for patenting Ground Effect Lighting, the stuff that can give your car's undercarriage a neon glow.

Naturally, Unreal had to talk to them -- er, him.

Unreal: How's life as a pronoun?

They: Novel, very novel. I'm having a good time. When the judge looked at the document, he was just staring at the paper, and he said, "Why do you want to do this?" And I said, "Well, several reasons. Primarily I have a sense of humor, and I thought somebody needed to address this. You've always heard, 'They said this,' and, 'They said that,' and myself and my circle of friends have always wondered, 'Who's this "They" everyone keeps talking about?'"

Have you done a lot better with women since you became They?

Well, I've got my girlfriend, we've been together for five years, so it's really not much of an option.

Have you grown up admiring people with one-word names like RuPaul, Gallagher or Gerardo?

No, no I haven't for obvious reasons. Besides, those are stage names, from what I understand. I thought it was important that if I was going to do this, that it wouldn't be just a humorous moment. I wanted it to be official.

Believe it or not, Unreal is not our real name. But now we're thinking about changing it legally.

I don't know that I could recommend it. I think you've probably got a pretty good gig going for yourself, without the damage control. I've already been on an airplane once. When they look at my passport they look like a deer caught in the headlights.

When referring to yourself in the third person do you say, "They is a champion in the sack," or, "They are a champion in the sack"?

"They is." And it's proper English!

Fowl Play

Last week Frank's RedHot Cayenne Pepper Sauce brought its "Battle to the Bone" Buffalo wing-eating competition to Washington University. Banishing visions of the dark day when we were banned from the Thickburger eating contest at Kiener Plaza, Unreal signed up. Not for the $500 speed-eating competition -- won by 21-year-old Michael George, who downed 1.8 pounds of Buffalo wings in eight minutes -- but for the day's ancillary event, the Clean Sweep Championship.

In this competition, the winner is the person who, in one minute's time, can most thoroughly strip three wings while keeping Frank's sauce off his or her hands, face and apron. Though we've always prided ourselves on our wing-scarfing etiquette, we didn't have a chance against our four fellow competitors.

Seated to our right was 21-year-old Trish Morgan, a psychology major, who had the appetite of Taz melded with the table manners of Queen Elizabeth. At the sound of the final bell, nary a drop of hot sauce could be found on Trish's person -- or her plate. The same, alas, could not be said for Unreal, who sat drowning in hot sauce and, to compound our humiliation, had failed to consume our allotted wings in the prescribed time.

Morgan earned herself a crisp $50 bill, but an even greater reward awaited her. Contest organizers had set out complimentary bottles of Frank's sauce at the door. On her way out, Morgan helped herself to four, then thought better of it and grabbed an entire case of the stuff before making her getaway.

That's what Unreal calls a Clean Sweep.