They get outscored by something along the lines of 10-1 in the first half, and then it gets really ugly.
That scenario could very well play out again today, as fans are going to watch former Ram/community hero/comeback kid MVP candidate Kurt Warner and the Arizona Cardinals take on the lowly Rams at noon today.
When you've got a team this bad, marketing becomes a real problem.
But just in case you happen to be one of those unhappy people working in the Rams' marketing department, have no fear. We here at The Rundown care about you. Really and truly. And I'm here to help you out.
I have, after many, many hours of careful consideration and debate, come up with a foolproof plan for marketing the Rams next season. See, what you need to do is build some buzz around the team.
Five ways to do just that (with pictures) are after leap.
People aren't paying attention to you at the moment, but we're going to get that all turned around. You take my suggestions, and the people of St. Louis will care about this team again, and sooner rather than later. Take it to the bank.
1. Feature the Cheerleaders: Alright, guys. First off, you've got to face up to what the state of the team really is. The only real good part of the Ram organization right now are the ladies. So how are we going to take advantage of that?
Two words: theme night.
That's right. Theme nights. Well, technically, theme days, or theme evenings, or afternoons, or whatever the hell time the games is on. The concept remains the same. What better way to attract attention to the only real attractive part of your team? Hey, it worked in Baseketball, it'll work here too. Just a few suggestions off the top of my head:
Dominatrix Night: the kinky stuff (or at least the attire) seems to be gaining acceptance in mainstream society, why not take advantage of it? Just look at the former manager of our city's NPR station. Each cheerleader could have their very own gimp, too, if you were looking to really invest in this thing.
South City Night: what's better than a cheerleader, you ask? A cheerleader with a Camaro, that's what. Let me tell you something, there's nothing that'll get a St. Louis crowd going like a bunch of gorgeous young ladies sporting mullets and wallet chains.
Naked Night: well, this one's probably pretty self explanatory. Could be a tough sell with the squad, I guess, but hey, sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do.
2. Richie Incognito Vlog: That is what you call a video blog nowadays, isn't it? A vlog?
I'm telling you, this is an idea whose time has come. The city of St. Louis simply can't get enough of Richie Incognito, and let's face it, Richie Incognito is a giver. Just set him up with a webcam, a captive audience, and let the magic happen. Instead of watching the Rams fight it out during training camp (above) on YouTube, they could watch Richie try to enlighten the city on a whole host of topics, from the best tattoo parlors to just what exactly is the problem with the city of St. Louis. (hint: it's you.)
Bonus: Richie's Great Big Ticket Grab Bag, when each week, Richie will give away a whole section's worth of Ram's tickets to some lucky fan of the visiting team.
3. Interception Giveaways: How about this: "Every time the Rams give away the football, we'll give away one thousand dollars!"
Seriously, think about it. I hear all the time on the radio that local banks are giving away bonus reward points and the like based on the number of points the Rams score, and things like that. The problem with that, of course, is that all those promotions are based on good things happening. Well, let's face it: good things just don't happen all that often. So why don't we just start basing the giveaways on the bad things? Mark Bulger threw another touchdown? Well, sure that sucks, but hey, it's somebody's lucky day! Another missed defensive assignment? Pay no attention to the 59-yard run the secondary just gave up. The fan sitting in section 263, row A, seat 6 is going home with a brand new Hyundai!
4. Party like it's 1999: Okay, so the present isn't so good for the Rams. Well, you know what was a good time? 1999, that's when. So just turn the clock back.
I know, there are already plans in the works. You've already applied to the league to get throwback jerseys to the previous color scheme and all, but I say that's just flat out not enough. You need to convince people when they step into the dome that they've been magically transported back to the year of 1999. We'll get some Master P records to put on the sound system, play video clips from Deuce Bigalow on the jumbotron, and rave about this brand new mafia show on HBO that everyone's talking about.
Also, if you really want to make this idea work, you'll have to figure out some way to have the president preparing to depart the office in disgrace. Good luck getting that to happen, though.
5. Where are they now, Rams style: People love nostalgia shows, so give them what they want. What we're going to do is host a "failed draft pick alumni night." See, we invite all the bad draft picks from the Rams' past, and the fans just eat it right up. Jimmy Kennedy can come in and tell us all about how he just got employee of the month at the car wash. Alex Barron can talk about how great Ritalin is. The crowd can thrill to Tye Hill's exploits as he steals some guy's girlfriend and then gets beat on a post pattern.
And finally, in what could be referred to as the keynote address of the event, Lawrence Phillips and Trung Canidate will tell the crowd about an exciting opportunity, available today only, to get in on the ground floor of what both Canidate and Phillips keep referring to as a
"pharmaceutical business" while making air quotes each time they say it. It will be a full and rewarding day.
You know, Rams, it's pretty obvious that you need help here. The team is a disaster. But hey, that's no reason not to have a successful season. And if we all work together, and start right now, we can make it happen.
I assume a job offer will be forthcoming?
- Aaron Schafer