Gimme Dick

An invertebrate salute to a consummate politician

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The Worm digs deep, and it's not just dirt he's shoveling. Contact the Worm at [email protected].

Well, the Worm owes all of y'all a mighty big thank-you! You took the bait, swallowed hook, line and sinker and made him your congressman.

Your votes -- and a big ol' money pile -- got Worm elected, and he's appreciates it mightily. So does the U.S. of A.: You've done your part to keep worms in the majority.

Worm's so grateful he promises not to scare Grandma until 2004. And Worm pledges to roll up his sleeve and figure out how achieve cloture and make his filibuster last extra-long. He'll work hard on getting your prescription drugs and your benefits.

Worm also pledges to snuggle up tight with his own personal Jesus, Missouri's Dick Gephardt.

Dick, as St. Louisans know well, is the real thing. Born in a South City log cabin, Dick spent his youth splitting rails. Then he turned the 3rd District into the land of milk and honey. Now Dick's taking his story on the road, visiting more than 60 cities just this year, hugging babies in Iowa and kissing supporters in New Hampshire.

But Dick's not only a crowd-pleaser: He's a real role model for U.S. Representative Worm. A brand-spanking-new study by the Center for Responsive Politics says Dick's a right bitchin' money machine -- the tops in the country since 1989. He's pulled in more bucks from fat-cat donors than even George W. Two-thirds of Dick's money came from Big Business, including $415,000 from Anheuser-Busch, the world's greatest corporation.

Dick's obviously got something going on -- and Worm promises to keep a close eye on that congressional member.

THE CANDIDATE: Artist/activist Wiktor Szostalo's been taking one of his newest works, "Big Business' Candidate," around town -- and Worm caught a glimpse of it last week. Worm thinks there's a better place than the back of a trailer for Wiktor's seminal work. Ever since last year, when public outrage and Ray Hartmann killed plans for six $1 million bizarro entrance gates to Forest Park, rich park benefactors have searched for an appropriate replacement. Instead of renowned landscape architect Lawrence Halprin, why not Wiktor? "Big Business' Candidate" depicts a rotund metal man, wearing a metal suit and tie with a dunce cap, smoking a metal stogie, holding his metal member in his hand and urinating on another, smaller metal man. Art such as this leaves little to the imagination -- therefore it is perfect for St. Louis! Worm's idea: six giant "Big Business' Candidates," straddling the entrances to the park, "urinating" on motorists. Who needs fountains or car washes?

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