Hockey Erotica: What to Do on a Cold Night in Canada

When one looks at the scope of human history, there are a few ideas that truly stand out above all others. Air travel. The printing press. Motion pictures. And now, finally, a new idea has come along fit to stand with those. 

Never again will I look at goalie pads the same way. -
Never again will I look at goalie pads the same way.

No, you're not hallucinating. No longer will we be forced to live in a world where hockey and sex are segregated! From this day forward, sexually stimulating musical theater and hockey will go hand in, er, hand. 

The One Yellow Rabbit theater company of Calgary is putting on a production called Five Hole. It promises to combine Canada's national pastime with, well, you know. Awesome. 

Okay, look, it may not seem like the best idea, but give it a chance. It's got music by the Rheostatics, for the love of god! If you know who that is, I'm willing to bet you're just as excited about it as I am.

If you don't know who that is, then first off, I'm a little surprised, as I would figure most people who frequent an alt-journal's Web site were probably the same people who loved twee Canadian indie bands in the mid-to-late 90s, and second, well, stop reading this and go Google them. Chances are, you probably remember their one big hit, Claire, and just didn't know or remember who it was. 

Suffice it to say, for those of us who ordered Lowest of the Low LP's through the mail and freaked out when Our Lady Peace made it big, the Rheostatics were a really big deal, and the fact that they only had one real hit didn't stop them from gently, sadly rocking asses from Edmonton to Prince Edward Island. But I digress. 

The one and only really crappy thing about this deal is that there is a marked lack of a St. Louis date on their tour. Okay, so there aren't any dates on the tour that take place somewhere other than Canada, but that's beside the point.

This is truly brilliant theater that we as St. Louisans are being denied! And what's worse, apparently the RFT is uninterested in paying to send me to Canada so that I can report back to all of you on how great it was! That is so totally a good use of resources! And we all know perfectly well that the newspaper business is just raking in the dough. I just don't understand how they can be so cheap. I even said I was willing to fly business class! 

So, I turn to you, dear readers. If any of you loyal Rundown fans out there are independently wealthy and interested in sending me to Canada to watch hockey and dirty musicals finally become one, contact me directly. Or, if none of my fans happen to be eccentric billionaires, the three of you could always pool your resources. No, it is not more important that your kids have braces. Jesus, what is it with people and their kids? 

For now, though, I suppose I'll have to just try and cobble together the experience of Five Hole. I'm thinking two televisions, two VCRs, a copy of Knock Out Hockey, and what I like to refer to as a Comcast special, and I should be good to go.

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