Hot and Bothered

Fight off the November chill with this extra-sizzlin' edition of Unreal (once we put our clothes back on, we'll check in with the Sanford-Brown Indians, pick up a few local papers and have our groceries bagged by inmates)

If the ragtag bunch featured in this month's St. Louis Magazine really are "20 of the city's most interesting eligibles," then this town's in trouble. Unless your ideal mate is undistinguished and has poor taste, that is. Overwhelmingly white, corporate and homely, the St. Louis Mag list profiles movers and shakers like "Katie Brown, 23, Aries, Nanny" and "Chad Luther, 29, Taurus, Sales Rep for Grey Eagle Distributors." The latter confesses that the best way to relax is a "bubble bath with candles, wine and Kenny G. in the background," and that the first thing he'd buy if he won the lottery is "new friends." Fred Hessel, 38, Taurus, with a Job Title Much Too Long to Mention Here, can't remember if his favorite quote was said by Mark Twain or Shania Twain.

The rumor mill has it that the list was drawn from friends and associates of St. Louis Magazine staffers. Hell, Unreal can do better than that, right in our own editorial department.

Without further ado, we give you Ben "Shirtsoff" Westhoff, 26, Gemini, Riverfront Times Editorial Fella. Just call him "St. Louis' Top Bachelor for All Eternity Until He Finds That Special Sweetie."

But as the white-hot photo and deliciously metrosexual profile below suggest, Shirtsoff isn't going to be single much longer.

Three-Word Self-Description: I'm all dat

Ultimate Dinner Companion(s): All of the world's loveliest ladies sitting at a giant table

Superpower I'd Like to Have: To get all the other sucka MCs to stop straight tripping off me

A Casual Friend Would Never Guess: That I'm disgustingly rich and talented

Best Way to Relax: Long hot baths full of sweet-smelling salts

Have Always Wanted To: Work at a shelter for abandoned cute puppies and kittens

Splurge: Chocolates, roses, the Kama Sutra and silk sheets -- all for my sweetheart-to-be

So That's Why They Call It Hump Day

Last Wednesday the St. Louis Post-Dispatch ran a gripping front-page article about a team of Dutch scientists who have discovered that a telltale region of the female brain shows no activity when a woman fakes an orgasm. Conversely, according to P-D staff writer Tina Hesman's November 12 account, when women do have orgasms, their brains show activity similar to orgasming males.

Stop the, um, fucking presses!


The press release from People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is too much to pass up: A nude woman painted with tiger stripes would sit in a cage at the intersection of Olive and Seventh streets November 11 to protest the arrival of Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus.

No expert on this sort of thing, Unreal has recruited Jacinta, a professional stripper from the Diamond Cabaret in Sauget, to critique the performance.

Before climbing into a small wire cage, the PETA activist, who says her name is Brandi and that she's come in from Virginia to stage the event, amiably distributes anti-cruelty literature to passers-by. But once in the cage, it's all business for Brandi, who stares out at her audience wearing only a frown.

Jacinta says the body paint looks "kind of silly" and suggests that Brandi might give smiling a try. The cage, our expert adds, is much too small and flimsy; wrought-iron bars would be an improvement, as would a whip -- perhaps she could flick it at the pole of a nearby streetlamp. "She needs more room to move -- she'd get more attention that way," Jacinta observes. "Let the animal out inside."

When a police officer informs Brandi that she's obstructing the sidewalk and orders her out of her cage, Jacinta can barely contain her delight. "See?" she squeals. "We all agree: He wants more action. He'd be more into it, and so would everyone else. They're going to have to physically remove her. That will be fun -- a little S&M!"

Alas, Brandi docilely does as she's been told.

"Now she's just walking around," Jacinta complains. "She's not doing much. No bouncing. Somebody needs to go up there and give her a dollar."

Jacinta also points out the obvious: Despite PETA's "Body-Painted Beauty Bares All" promise, Brandi is equipped with pasties and very un-thonglike panties. When the discrepancy is mentioned, a fellow activist retorts, "She's pretty bare."

"She's not that bare," Jacinta sniffs. "She's got panties on. 'Bare all' is bare all. Conservatives!"

A Season on the Brink

Paced by senior guard Ron Burton's 19 points (including five three-pointers), the Sanford-Brown Indians improved to 2-0 with a 75-50 rout of visiting McKendree College Saturday night. The win brings the Indians within one victory of their total winning output last year, when coach John Campbell's squad finished 3-23. Campbell subbed in his entire second unit midway through each half to go easy on McKendree, which was forced to field an undermanned split squad to meet dual commitments begotten by a scheduling flub.

By Campbell's own admission, the season-opening honeymoon might come to an end in games this Friday against bulky Bethel College and next Tuesday against the University of Dubuque (Iowa). Both games start at 7:30 p.m. at St. Louis Christian College, 1360 Grandview Drive, Florissant.

Out of the Loopy

Knockoffs of the satirical weekly The Onion have run like a plague through the nation's arteries, and here in St. Louis we have at least two. The University City Loopy, which just released its inaugural issue, skewers Delmar happenings with headlines like "Thai Country Cafe, Fitz's to Merge: 'TITZ'S,'" and "Illinois Man Stranded, Needs $8 for Gas, but His Car Is Parked a Mile 'That Way....'" Loopy will likely be impossible to find outside the Loop, as creator Graham McBride says the paper's budget is approximately "the amount of change I can find in my ass."

The News Rocket, on the other hand, supports itself through ads and boasts a circulation of 10,000, according to founder John Bigalke. The Belleville broadsheet, around since May 2001, features articles like "News Rocket Buys Big Chunk of Rain Forest Just to Cut It Down!" and a chronicle of "An Adult Evening With Shel Silverstein." Though arguably less inspired than Loopy, the News Rocket nonetheless raises the ante with a half-page of fake classifieds, including "For Sale: Cinderblock volleyball set. Have hours of fun hitting a cinderblock over a net."

Strike That

Now that the grocery strike is over, the United Food & Commercial Workers Union Local 655 must mete out punishment to the estimated 1 percent of members who crossed the picket line during the three-week uprising. Most likely those members will be fined, says union spokesman Ed Finkelstein.

Unreal would like to suggest some more fitting sanctions:

1) Banishment to Dierbergs in O'Fallon;

2) Watching unlimited episodes of elimiDATE (in O'Fallon);

3) Drinking Pimp Juice till they puke

Meanwhile, the end of the strike has meant that a handful of St. Louis County jail inmates who found high-paying temporary jobs at Dierbergs, Schnucks and Shop 'n Save are looking for new gigs. Steve Stiffelman, who oversees the detention center's work-release program, says a handful of first-time offenders and low-level felons crossed the picket line to cash in on the $12-an-hour replacement jobs. On the other hand, he adds, the "one or two" work-release inmates who are union members are back at their grocery jobs now that the labor dispute is over.

But when the day is done, it's back to the pokey.

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