Is Richie Incognito A Few Fries Short of Happy Meal?

Sep 14, 2009 at 2:53 pm
click to enlarge Incognito quotes "The Goonies": Heeeyyy you guys..." -
Incognito quotes "The Goonies": Heeeyyy you guys..."
To the surprise of absolutely nobody, the Rams suck. Again. 

New head coach Steve Spagnuolo may have said all the right things during the off-season, but it was still the same sucky players on the field making the same mistakes -- and getting trounced by Seattle 28-0 in Week 1.

Mark Bulger looked more terrified than an abused puppy against the Seahawks pass rush, the special teams unit couldn't count to 12 (and their poor math resulted in a crushing 14-point swing in favor of the opposition after a blocked field goal), and the defense had more holes than an Afghan mine field.

But by far the worst offender was Richie Incognito. The burly blonde lineman was single-handedly responsible for 35 yards worth of penalties, including two drive-killing unnecessary roughness flags for fighting after the whistle. He also missed a block that allowed one of the three 'Hawks sacks. And when he was yanked from the line-up at start of the second half he jawed at the coach over the decision.

Since this type of play and behavior is pretty much par for the course for number 68, one has to wonder if there's a legitimate excuse for his antics. While Incognito and Spagnuolo (who said the guard would retain his starting role) prefer to fall back on the tried and true lines that he's just "passionate," "intense" and suffering "first-game jitters," the only viable explanation seems to be that Incognito is a few fries short of a happy meal.

In other words, he's not the brightest crayon in the box, the sharpest tool in the shed, or the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.

The facts are there to support the argument that Incognito might not be all there. Here are the five symptoms of mental retardation according to Google Health:

      • Continued infantile behavior 
      • Decreased learning ability 
      • Failure to meet intellectual developmental markers 
      • Inability to meet educational demands at school 
      • Lack of curiosity
Let's see how the Rams guard stacks up.

Infantile Behavior: The penalties help prove the first trait, but don't forget that the lineman also held out for a large signing bonus after being taken in the third round of the NFL draft, then used the money to buy a BMW equipped with 22 TV screens. Check.

Decreased Learning Ability: Since Incognito can't seem to grasp the fact that fighting equates to trouble (he even said he "played a hell of a game" yesterday), I'd say a lack of learning ability is definitely a problem. Also, his lack of knowledge of blocking schemes appears to support this claim as well. Check.

Failure to meet intellectual development markers: Ditto above.

Inability to meet intellectual demands at school: Incognito was kicked out of school at Nebraska and off the football team for fighting at a party. Then he was booted off the Oregon football team before playing a game. That's a big check.

Lack of Curiosity: This seems to be the only flaw in the argument. Incognito has been curious about lots of things, including how many tattoos he can fit on his arms, and what will happen if he makes the same mistakes over and over again for the rest of his playing career.

Conclusion: Incognito is undoubtedly able bodied and lacking in the brain department but probably not to the point that he could actually be diagnosed with a real mental handicap. It's a shame too: While not qualified to play professional football, he'd make a hell of a ringer in the special Olympics.