It's Stupid F*cking Hot, St. Louis

This sucks

Aug 21, 2023 at 9:19 am

THEO WELLING

St. Louis is under an excessive heat warning for most of this week.

You probably don't need us to tell you it feels like hell's front porch outside. Unless you're one of the lucky ones who has yet to leave the AC bliss of your home, allow us to paint a picture.

It's too fucking hot. It's stupid hot. It's mind-alteringly, no-amount-of-deodorant-is-enough hot. It's you-could-warm-up-a-frozen-Imo's-pizza-in-your-driveway hot. It's questioning-why-you-live-in-the-Midwest hot.

It's... it's just too hot.

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Are you there, God? Or who/whatever's up there controlling things? Elon, could you kindly use your powers for good (just this once!) and create some type of device to take away this heat?

If you think today's bad, it's only going to get worse. The temperatures for this week have been described by local media as "dangerously high," with both searingly hot temperatures and intense humidity. That trend will continue until Thursday and possibly even Friday in most areas, according to the National Weather Service. Heat indexes could soar up to 120 degrees in some areas. Yikes!

If there is any glimmer of hope, remember the date. It's August 21. We're almost to the end, friends. Soon, fall will be among us and this hell will fade into distant memory. And before you know it, you may find yourself pining for warmer days.

But instead of joining us in whining, maybe check on your friends or elderly neighbors. And if you have no means of escaping this heat yourself, here's a map of cooling centers in the city.