News of the Day: Rick Ankiel Northside Bound?

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click to enlarge News of the Day: Rick Ankiel Northside Bound?
So, according to Derrick Goold's retweet, the Cubs appear to be interested in signing Rick Ankiel just as soon as they can figure out how to unload Milton Bradley

You know who I feel bad for? Will Leitch. Seriously. This is going to kill him. 
As for me, I have to say, I'm frankly terrified of this going down. I mean, here we have a franchise who has a long and frightfully well-deserved history of choking come crunch time. Time and time and time again, we've seen the Cubs come all the way to the very brink of triumph, only to somehow find some way to fall completely apart. Black cats, angry goat ghosts, Steve Bartman, the list just goes on and on. Let's face it: there are two notable things about the Chicago Cubs' franchise: Wrigley Field and being cursed. 

And I for one know that if I were looking to turn around the fortunes of a team who always seems to implode when the pressure is on, the the first player I'm looking at is definitely going to be Rick Ankiel. I mean, who else could exert the same kind of calming influence of a guy like Swingin' Dick? You turn up the heat on Ankiel, and he just starts cooking. Pressure Fucking Proof. 

In other news, James Dobson's Focus on the Family is reportedly looking to sign Tiger Woods on as a spokesman. They've heard good things about him. 
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