Today is the last day that I will complain (publicly) about extreme Bernie Bros because tomorrow is Super Tuesday, the day that all of our confusion will likely be cleared up! Rejoice!
Once the results come in tomorrow we might know who the Democratic nominee will be, and it’s looking like it could be Bernie Sanders.
I’m more of a fan of Elizabeth Warren, but if Bernie Sanders is the nominee then Go, Sanders, Go! I’m team #AnybodyButTrump, and I will vote for literally any person on the ballot who is not Donald Trump. (Yeah, even that fucker Bloomberg. Fight me.)
So I am gearing up to transition into full Bernie Bro mode. I don’t want to be a reasonable fan. I don’t just want to be a Bernie supporter. I want to praise the man at every opportunity and in every way that I can, especially online. I want to be a Bro.
I’ve been reading posts and comments from Bernie Bros on social media for years and have been taking notes. Just like Jane Goodall did with the chimpanzees, I’ve been studying what behavior to exhibit in order to be accepted as part of the social group.
As far as I can tell, these are the things that I’ll need to do to blend in online with my new brethren:
- Threaten not to vote for any other Democratic nominee on account of my purity.
- Never let a post about Sanders go by online without commenting about the singular greatness of my King.
- Never let a post about any other Democratic candidate go by without pointing out something bad about them and how they are unlike my Holy One.
- Find anyone who expresses any hesitation about voting for Sanders because he is yet another ancient white man and lecture them, telling them that they are clueless about His righteousness.
- Never call him Sanders or Bernie Sanders. Only Bernie. He is my personal friend, after all.
- Rail against the ~ system ~ and how it needs to be taken down while also saying that the entire thing can be magically fixed, but only by Bernie’s hands. He heals all.
- Start a figurative circle jerk with my fellow Bernie supporters online in any comments section anywhere.
- Continue to pay lip service to the black vote, while also telling black voters (who overwhelmingly choose Joe Biden) that Biden is the devil.
- Accuse anyone who isn’t wholeheartedly behind Bernie of being affluent or somehow not a member of the working class.
- Tell anyone who points out that some people might be freaked out by Sanders' "socialist" label that they are a traitor and a centrist.
Did I miss any? Am I doing this correctly? I better email myself now and call me a clueless dude who lives in his mom’s basement. Then I need to post about how I hate me on Twitter and Reddit. I’m a Bernie Bro now, after all. It's a full-time job.
Email the author (who already voted for Bernie Sanders in one primary and who might vote for him again this time) at [email protected]