Penis Envy

Unreal discovers libido-enhancing Sorrelex and finds a local blogger who watched The Exorcist in the creepiest place possible. Plus, Todd Lewis suggests that perhaps we should get off our ass.

Week of January 12, 2006

With age comes wisdom. Where men are concerned, it also tends to come with a receding hairline, a burgeoning waistline and erectile dysfunction. And oh, yeah: penis atrophy.

"The penis is just like any body part — at some point it starts declining," says Brian Ayers, spokesman for Maryland-based Genesis BioTech. "A lot of guys don't know that — of course, it depends on what you have to begin with, but we're talking anywhere from 30 to 50 percent shrinkage. You can lose a lot."

Imagine that: Just as a man's ears and nose keep growing well into his golden years, his peter peters out. Ayers says this chronic condition affects men over 40 and is caused by diminishing testosterone levels.

How else does a waning willy affect the afflicted? If you ask Ayers, the question ought to be: How doesn't it? It makes a fella vulnerable to high blood pressure, heart attacks, colds, obesity, even depression — a man with low testosterone levels will shrink away from his mate (figuratively speaking) and find it hard (emotionally) to be intimate.

"Women go through menopause, and that's where all the estrogen burns off at once," says Ayers. "With men it's called andropause; it's a slow reduction of testosterone. You know the classic mid-age crisis? That's really just a bunch of testosterone leaving your body."

Who knew?

Fortunately, for a mere $55 per month, a Genesis BioTech product called Sorrelex will up an old fart's testosterone level to that of a college kid. (Minus the premature ejaculations. "It helps with your endurance. Some younger people take it specifically for premature ejaculations," Ayers enthuses.)

"For women it does the exact-same thing," Ayers promises. "Women are not used to their bodies releasing this amount of testosterone. They take it and they feel even hornier.

"I would assume that if your muscles, your heart and your penis are working, you'll feel well," the Sorrelex salesman concludes.

Hard to argue that point.

Oh, the Places Todd Will Go!

Todd Lewis was working a button-down corporate gig a few months back when his boss (to whom he refers as "a female psychopath and an idiot") sent out an e-mail titled: "Plans for Sucess." Outraged by her misspelling and perceived negative attitude, the 37-year-old Lewis up and quit, thus crossing off another of the dozens of goals he's set for himself in recent years. "Life is too short to let someone who's unhappy with her life try to ruin mine," Lewis says of his ex-boss. Others objectives Lewis has accomplished of late include scaling Mt. Kilimanjaro, running with the bulls in Pamplona (see Unreal, July 2, 2003), completing an insane quantity of marathons and scoring face time with his idol, Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban.

After Lewis left us a voicemail detailing his plans for 2006, Unreal put down our mocha-tini long enough to dial him up at the REI store in Brentwood, where he's found an employer more in tune with his ambitions.

Unreal: What are your goals for 2006?

Todd Lewis: I want to make 2005 — the year I ran fifteen marathons — look like I was taking a nap. I want to climb Machu Picchu, hike 450 miles of trail in northern Spain and get in the Guinness Book of World Records. They have a record where a guy carried a ten-pound weight 78 miles. I want to run with it 100 miles!

What will that accomplish?

I thought it would be cool. I'm also hoping it will raise money for an animal shelter. So getting into Guinness would be cool, but it will be even better to help out the pet rescue.

Why are most people so lazy?

People want instant everything. I'll talk about training and the first day it's cold or rainy they'll bail on me 'cause the weather is nasty. I ran 3,600 miles last year. I think people are afraid of failing. They would rather sit around and watch reality television every night. I'm like: "Get off your ass and accomplish something!"

What makes you an inspirational leader and not some wack job with a death wish?

What I try to do is stuff that I might not think is possible and come up with a plan and surround myself with the most positive people I can find. Even in Spain, when I'm running with the bulls, if I see drunken Americans trying to get their fifteen minutes of fame, I try to distance myself.

Drinking and fame aren't worthy goals?

Don't get me wrong. I'll have a cocktail every now and again. You got to enjoy life, and if that also means eating a pizza every now and again, then so be it. Part of me gets wrapped up in fame, but mostly I'm looking for the feeling of accomplishment when you complete your goal. It's euphoria. But you can't rest on your laurels. Time to move onto the next goal!


"Irrational Ecstasy"
Author: Casey
About the blogger: Casey lives in St. Charles and attends Lindenwood University, where he studies secondary English education and moonlights as a residential director.

Recent Highlight (January 3): Sophie had just bought the infamous house with her boyfriend after reading an article about it in the Riverfront Times. There was a group of around ten of us following Sophie out to her house for the first screening ever (I'm assuming, because I can understand how most previous residents would have probably found it in bad taste) of The Excorcist in this particular house.

As one who feels a certain "oneness" with past events when visiting the places where they occurred, I felt my hair stand on end as we pulled up to the house. I don't know if it was the fact that I knew what went on here or not, but the place looked seriously spooky from the outside.

Sophie was an amazing host, offering everyone beer and trying in vain to get everyone to eat some of her chips, of which she had apparently bought ten bags. I was seriously impressed by the house. It was small but cozy, with the kind of character that you only find in older homes, in my opinion. We were then given the tour. Standing at the base of the stairs, I couldn't help but imagine the preists arriving here for the first time. I pictured them ascending the steps to the upstairs bedroom to the unholy noises coming from within. Maybe it was nothing like that, but I just like to imagine.

Sophie took us to her bedroom, which just so happened to be the bedroom where the excorcism was performed...go figure. It was just an ordinary bedroom...I'm not quite sure what I was expecting: a pentagram on the floor or something, maybe. She seemed so cool about the fact that she was sleeping in the same room that Satan had slept half a century ago. I shouldn't have been surprised when I noticed a Suicide Girls sticker on her laptop. Hmmm, interesting...and so very hot.

Finally, everyone settled down to watch the movie. Everyone agreed that it was a seriously scary movie, and I don't think that was just because of where we were. I think the scariest part was when I decided to take an impromptu picture in the middle of the movie. Well, it wasn't quite impromptu. I really wanted a picture of all of us watching The Excorcist in the actual house where events inspiring the movie occurred. I was planning on getting a shot of the famous scene where Father Merrin arrives at the house. His dark form is shown walking up to the house through the fog. It's a famous scene and one that I wanted to capture, but instead I caught the scene just after — where the girl's possessed eyes flash on screen while she shouts "Merrin!" I think 70 percent of the people in the dark room with me emptied their bladders when my flash went off. Ah well, I for one thought it was really funny.

Know of an Unreal-worthy local blog? Send the URL to [email protected].

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