Ray Lankford Will Come Hang With You for a Few Thousand Dollars

When I was twelve years old, I taught myself to throw a baseball like Ray Lankford

See, Ray had this funny way of throwing the ball, where he would sort of shoot his hand toward the sky real quickly. It looked a little like Steve Avery throwing the ball from center field. Well, Lankford being my twelve-year-old self's very favorite Cardinal, I spent hour after hour perfecting the Lankford throwing mechanics until I could do it just right. I also did a batting stance impersonation for awhile, but that didn't last. (I went back to impersonating Will Clark's swing instead.) 

After hearing that story, you should be able to understand a little bit about just how much I loved Ray Lankford. You might also think, given that love, that I would be willing to pay nearly any price just to bask in Ray-Ray's presence for a little while. 

Well, you would be wrong. 

If you, on the other hand, are interested in having Ray come hang out with you and would be willing to pay five grand or more for the privilege, then you are in luck. Lankford has a website for just such purposes, raylankford16.com, where you can book Ray for you corporate outing, meet-and-greet, or just to come hang out with you in your living room. (Note: Ray Lankford may or may not be willing to hang out in your living room.

The only catch, of course, is that five grand part; Lankford's appearance fee starts at $5,000, according to his website. Personally, I don't have five grand lying around to spend on celebrity housecalls by former all-stars, but hey, maybe you do. [Gossip blog Punching Kitty first expressed interest in making it a Ray Day over there. -ed.]

With that thought in mind, I called up the fine people at Ray Lankford's booking agency to see if I could nail down specific prices. Unfortunately, your intrepid reporter made the mistake of introducing himself as a media type working for the Riverfront Times, and the very pleasant woman on the other end of the phone was not particularly interested in sharing their pricing scale with me. She still remained remarkably nice, but unless I was looking to book Ray for an office party of some sort (which, if you've been paying much attention to the state of the newspaper business in recent years, you'll understand isn't really in the business model), then inquiries about specific fees for specific services were not getting a specific answer. 

I would like you to know, though, that I fought the good fight. I begged. I pleaded. I flattered. I pretended to cry. I offered a variety of sexual favors; she feigned disinterest, but I could tell she was fighting her womanly urges. I believe she must have been trained by the Israeli Army or something; I don't think any lesser level of discipline could possibly make someone capable of resisting my raw sexual magnetism, even over the phone. I briefly considered threats, but I've already been on the news twice this month, and I can't count on my parole officer always being in the shower when I'm on. 

So I put in an email to the head of the agency representing Lankford, Ryan Totka, and he was nice enough to respond, telling me Lankford is generally in the three- to five-thousand dollar range. So hey, that's actually a bargain compared to what I was thinking! Thanks to Mr. Totka for the response. Still, that's a pretty wide range. 

So in the end I didn't get much. But that's okay; I remain upbeat about the situation. After all, I figure it's only a matter of time before some CEO who also happens to have copied Lankford's throwing motion at some point in his life will behave poorly. And then, somewhere among the various bills from escort services and bondage clubs, we, the public at large, will finally find out just exactly what Ray Lankford's time is worth, in excruciating detail.

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