Rick Ankiel's Fancy New Mustache

Apr 22, 2009 at 11:22 am

I really don't get it. What in the hell is going on with the Cardinals and their facial hair these days? 

Edit: Oh, and thank you very much to Mr. Nick Lucchesi for scooping me on this one. Awesome. Just what I've always wanted; to play second fiddle to an editor. A damned editor!!! 

I remember the good old days, when Cardinal players were known far and wide for having some of the best, if not the best, facial hair in all of baseball. Back when I featured the ten greatest mustaches in baseball history, the Cardinals were easily the best represented of any team, with four former Redbirds on the list. (Technically, it's actually five, if you want to count Rollie Fingers' four-day tenure as a Cardinal.) Even the Oakland Athletics, with the Mustache Gang of the 1970s, cannot compare with the Cards' brilliant history of hirsute glory. 

Now, though, I look at this team, and I see some of the worst facial hair, not just in the league, but literally in history. Ryan Franklin still has that godawful beard thing of his. Jason Motte, thankfully, shaved his goatee off before it turned into a full-on Eric Gagne situation. (Sadly, the departure of the beard also apparently took his pitching mojo.) And now, worst of all, we have our very own Swingin' Dick Ankiel, growing what will likely go down as one of the single worst ideas of 2009. 

This year, we've already seen Ankiel try the beard, which came in patchy. We saw him go for more of a goatee look, but that only highlighted the fact that his face is kind of wide. So now, in a last-ditch attempt to avoid being forced to return to shaving on a regular basis, Rick is calling in the big guns, hoping that the mighty mustache, coolest of all possible facial hair entities, can save him. 

Sadly, I don't think it's working. It's a bad mustache. Just give it up, Dick, and go clean, baby. 


Alright. I wrote this last night, as I was watching the early innings of the ballgame. You know what? Considering the way that the game worked out for Rick Dick, I am now fully on board with the Swingin' Dick Mustache Experience. 

In fact, I'll go one better. I'm going to demand that Dick not only keep the 'stache, but that he change his last name to Cannon. Then he can be Swingin' Dick Cannon, and we're going to get him a cop show. It's going to be awesome.