RIM SHOTS

Maybe U.S. Sen. John McCain a week or so ago was onto something with his Weekend at Bernie's crack about propping up econ savant Alan Greenspan and fitting him with a pair of sunglasses if he croaks. Perhaps the aptly named Greenspan is at the root of all the current giddy materialism. But maybe something short of death could put an end to this. With this synthetic Pax Americana in place, with the upper economic echelons of America making out like bandits, with government leaders fiddling while Seattle burns, perhaps the only occurrence that could put this dreamworld in the ditch is if Greenspan gets an undiagnosed case of Tourette's syndrome. Because his speeches are analyzed for meaning like the entrails of an ancient Greek owl, just think if the Ayn Rand disciple were to mutter a "bullshit" or a "cocksucker" in the middle of his next address. Watch the market take a dive.... Local radio is flooded with commercials for remedies for "erectile dysfunction" and wonder potions to help folks lose weight with no exercise or change in diet. With all the goofy names, it's hard to keep them straight: Top Gun is for those who need help with penile tumescence, and Fat Whacker is for those who want to lose a few pounds. Or is it the other way around?

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