Russian Professor Predicts Self-Destruction of U.S. by 2010; Missouri To Go Canadian

Jan 5, 2009 at 4:18 pm

Igor Panarin, a Russian academic and former KGB agent, predicted ten years ago that the U.S. would self-destruct through civil war in late 2009. Now, thanks to the collapse of our economy, other people are finally starting to believe him. Most of these people are Russians, it is true, and it could be they are just bitter about that little Soviet collapse back in 1989, but Panarin claims his theory has merit. (Well, of course he does.)

"There's a 55-45% chance right now that disintegration will occur," he told The Wall Street Journal. "One could rejoice in that process, but if we're talking reasonably, it's not the best scenario -- for Russia." This is because Russia still relies heavily on the dollar and trade with the U.S.

Here is Panarin's projection for the Divided States of America:

But what of our new President? What of the much-vaunted rebirth of hope and maybe even unity? Panarin has an answer to that, too. (Of course.)

Americans believe Barack Obama will work miracles, Panarin wrote in Izvestia, a major Russian daily, and, incidentally, the former official paper of the USSR. "But when spring comes, it will be clear that there are no miracles."

Is Unreal the only one who imagines this punctuated by an evil-sounding laugh?

However, we are kind of glad that, should the end come, we will lose Alaska permanently and that Missouri will become part of Canada. (Central North-American Republic is way too cumbersome to say.) We always liked "O Canada," even sort of preferred it to "The Star-Spangled Banner" because it's much easier to sing in our limited vocal range.

We do notice, though, that, should the worst happen, Missouri would be on the cusp of three nations. Will there be massive bloodshed here? Should we flee someplace safer, like Iowa or South Dakota, while we still can?

- Unreal