Satire Alert!

Time to come clean, dear reader: Sometimes Unreal makes stuff up!

Oct 25, 2006 at 4:00 am

I Want My Bud TV

Last month Anheuser-Busch announced that it was stepping into the content game with the creation of Bud.TV, a 24-hour online network devoted to entertaining the brewery's 21- to 34-year-old beer-swigging clientele. Among the network's first offerings, which will debut the day after Super Bowl XLI next February, is a show called Replaced by a Chimp. Its conceit? Replace some dude with a chimp, of course, and unleash it on an unsuspecting workplace, be it a restaurant, operating room or Oval Office. Hilarity ensues. At the end of the show, viewers vote on whether the chimp should stay and continue its work.

We're peeing our pants with anticipation. (It's a been a long time since Unreal has had a good chuckle.) While we wait, we dug up an internal Anheuser-Busch memo that outlines these additional shows in production [Editor's note: SATIRE ALERT!]:

· Great Moments in Beer Bonging Profiles in partying. Excerpt: "Dude, it was like I was in this zone! Rob kept dumping beers into the funnel, and it was like my esophagus was lubed with K-Y. The beer just slid on down, glug glug glug, it kept coming and kept coming, and by the time Rob was finished he'd poured a whole case down my throat. I yarfed all over the place. It was awesome."

· Bud Select Presents: Masterpiece of Ass Theater Dude in tuxedo jacket but no pants sits on beach in leather chair, smokes pipe and comments on pieces of juicy booty passing by.

· Shannon on Sex Episode One: Host Mike Shannon explains in great detail his favorite sex position, the "Cold Frosty One." Excerpt: "I remember this one time, I guess it was '64 or maybe it was '63, I performed this maneuver on a Puerto Rican lassie. Two days later her derrière was still numb. Good times, good times. A high hard one, heh heh heh. In fact, I'd say it's about time for a Cold Frosty One, wouldn't you, Roonerooney?"

· Clydesdales and Their Humongous Junk Nature show, which explains why Clydesdales have humongous junk and how awesome it would be to have a package the size of a Clydesdale's.

Trojan Victory

The University of Missouri did not tell students they'd henceforth have to buy their own frickin' condoms two weeks ago. We repeat: Mizzou did not tell students they'd henceforth have to buy their own frickin' condoms.

Contrary to published reports, Unreal is pretty sure the university said the following in an October 10 statement [Editor's note: SATIRE ALERT!]:

The University of Missouri-Columbia will not implement a student initiative for distribution of condoms in residence hall restrooms. This initiative, which had been discussed at various campus levels, became public before it could be appropriately reviewed and discussed by University leadership.

MU Chancellor Brady Deaton said the initiative, which originated with a campus fraternity, requires further study. The fraternity developed the initiative in consultation with the Student Health Center, the Columbia/Boone County Health Department and the Department of Residential Life.

The Chancellor commends student leaders for offering creative ideas to address serious, life-changing issues, including unplanned pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections. It is important to educate students about healthy decision-making, including the option of abstinence.

For these reasons, beginning next semester, school administrators will go door-to-door with condom deliveries.

The route will be organized by class-year, with seniors receiving the most love: on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Saturdays. Juniors should expect their Trojans on Thursdays, while sophomores will hear a knock at the door on Fridays and Saturdays. Freshmen — we all know how promiscuous those rascals are — will get deliveries Friday nights, Saturday mornings and Saturday afternoons, as well as Wednesdays.

To ensure a good time is had by all, various sizes, colors and flavors will be available, with special selections around the holidays.

The condoms will be free. Thanks to the forward-thinking campus fraternity for that suggestion.

Some of Our Best Friends

Fall so far has been the gayest season on record. One of our nation's most tech-savvy congressmen came tumbling out of the closet, marauding lesbian gangs set up shop in Chongqing, China (seriously!) and National Coming Out day was held October 11. A press release from the Washington, D.C.-based Human Rights Campaign reminded us of that last one, and it abutted another gay-themed release in our inbox, from UCLA's Williams Institute. According to those crazy Californians, the number of same-sex couples in Missouri increased by 56 percent from 2000 to 2005!

Gaily, we put in a couple of calls.

Unreal: So, how many people came out on October 11?

Human Rights Campaign spokesman Brad Luna: We don't track that, although we have a Web site where people could post a picture of themselves and come out on the Web site. We got thousands of responses to it. Not just gay and lesbian people, but straight people and celebrities, like Pink, Lance Bass and Billie Jean King.

Pink came out of the closet?

No, she stood up for equality.

Why October 11? Isn't that the date that, in 1958, NASA launched its failed lunar probe, Pioneer 1?

National Coming Out day is commemorative of the first march on Washington, when the AIDS quilt was on display for the first time, October 11, 1987.

What's the best way to convince someone to come out of the closet? Threaten to take away his Hello Kitty backpack?

I think the best way is to show them that living a life openly and honestly is the best experience, and leads to a fuller life.

If I told you that some of my best friends were gay, would you give me a quarter?

I wouldn't give you a quarter. But I'd ask you to visit the Human Rights Campaign Web site,

Adios! We gotta call Gary Gates, senior research fellow at the Williams Institute.

[Ring!] Hello, Gary? Your study says the number of same-sex couples in Missouri jumped drastically this decade. If these trends continue, 95 percent of the state will have gone gay by the time Dakota Fanning is 18, correct?

Gary Gates: Probably not. Those increases still represent a relatively small fraction of the Missouri population. And obviously there's going to be a cap to that. Assuming that all gay people someday come out, I think those increases will start to wane.

Your press release says: "Many Americans assume that GLB people cluster in just a few large cities in the Northeast and the West." Is it fair to say, then, that there's a whole lot of cluster-fucking going on?

An interesting question. I prefer to make a "no response" to that one.

Local Blog O' the Week

"Freddie Vasco (a Mortal Blog)"
Author: Freddie Vasco
About the blogger: Freddie is competing in a local blog competition called Mortal Blog, in which readers can vote for or against seven other bloggers, Survivor-style.
Recent Highlight (October 4, 2006): The old lady dragged me to church this past Sunday. The preacher was preaching from Luke 9 and told the story about Jesus feeding the 5000 with five loaves and two small fishes. After the service, several folks came up and wanted to know if those fish was bass or catfish. And what bait they used.

They bought them a new organ at the church last year. And the fellow from Festus that drives over to play on Sunday's knows how to make it play, that's fer sure. When he hits the high notes, the dogs on the floor start howling.

Them buying that organ is the first time they spent that much money on something in a long time. About seven or eight years ago, they was budgeting for a new chandelier, but decided not to buy one because didn't no one there know how to play one.

It was hard for them to get the money together for such a big thing anyhow. There ain't but about 500 members on the church roll, and only about seven last names. It's a close-knit, everybody knows everybody's business church.

That's why I try not to go as often as I can. It ain't that I don't believe in the big guy upstairs. It's just that the preacher always makes me feel all guilty like for all the cheatin, swearin and drinkin I done.

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