Every office has a "shitting shitter," the designated toilet for during-work bowel movements.
Typically, it's tucked away somewhere, isolated enough to prevent unsavory smells from wafting into the workflow. (The Riverfront Times' is in a nook by the fire escape, in case you were wondering.)
But that's no longer the case at St. Louis marketing agency Elasticity as of Sunday, when the company issued an amusingly overwritten memo to staff and visitors about "unfettered and egregious abuse of the fourth floor lavatory."
Aaron Perlut, founder and partner at Elasticity, says the company issued the memo about "geotargeted bowel movements" because the roomier fourth-floor bathroom gets the most usage, even though more employees are stationed on the third floor with their own bathroom.
"We need to exert the same level of creativity in our work as we do into the way we position ourselves on toilet bowls," Perlut tells Daily RFT.
See also: KSDK's Elizabeth Matthews Grabs Pile of Human Poop With Her Bare Hands
The memo continues, densely: "Therefore wherein, and in exchange for mutual assurances seeking to re-redirect said present cases of 'lavatory redirection,' the parties commit to a non-circumvention agreement that ensures for proper, equitable and fair use of said third and fourth floor lavatories by appropriate persons."
"Lavatory redirection" may not sound like a big deal, but the company says the fourth-floor water closet is running out of toilet paper, deodorizing spray and, most worryingly, hand soap.
The lack of hand soap is troubling, according to the memo, because of the "standard-issue fist-bumping that occurs on a day-to-day basis" at the office.
But Elasticity managers aren't monsters. There are exceptions to the rule:
"Exceptions are permitted in cases of pre-approved emergencies to include significant and urgent downward pressure upon the inner walls of the small and/or large intestines of Elasticity staff and visitors," according to the memo.
Here's the full memo, via GoElastic.com:
MEMO TO ALL ELASTICITY STAFF & VISITORS
It has come to the attention of the management team that there has been unfettered and egregious abuse of the fourth floor lavatory by a myriad of Elasticity staff and visitors.
Whereas, as we are presently situated, Elasticity corporate facilities are equipped with one lavatory per 4,000-square-foot floor on levels three and four. This means that if your personal workspace resides on floor three, your day-to-day lavatory use, particularly extend-stay bowel movements, should occur in said third floor lavatory. The same holds true for occupants of said fourth floor and use therein of the lavatory on that level. Said malfeasance in "lavatory redirection" as defined by the World Economic Forum in Davos, has led to a dearth of critical resources and supplies in said fourth floor lavatory, vis-à-vis paper products and deodorizing spray intended to provide refreshing after-effects following individual lavatory visit.
Potentially of greater concern, particularly in light of recent public safety concerns, there has not been a consistent dearth of sanitizing hand soap in said fourth floor lavatory, which is troublesome considering the standard-issue fist-bumping that occurs on a day-to-day basis amongst Elasticity staff and visitors. This is a violation of Elasticity corporate policy as defined in the Employee Handbook.
Whereas, many parties have maintained extensive over-use of said fourth floor lavatory, the management team desires to maintain a refreshing, harassment-free lavatory environment, void of excrement yet plentiful in paper products, deodorizing spray, and additional lavatory and marital-aid devices. Therefore wherein, and in exchange for mutual assurances seeking to re-redirect said present cases of "lavatory redirection," the parties commit to a non-circumvention agreement that ensures for proper, equitable and fair use of said third and fourth floor lavatories by appropriate persons. All parties agree to the intended depletion of lavatory resources on the floor upon which their company-assigned personal workspace is located. However, exceptions are permitted in cases of pre-approved emergencies to include significant and urgent downward pressure upon the inner walls of the small and/or large intestines of Elasticity staff and visitors.
Let it be known, this mutual understanding amongst Elasticity staff therein amongst management and visitors to collectively adopt the above-stated terms and conditions and voluntarily enter into this agreement, which said parties acknowledge is legally binding at the time the parties have executed this agreement under executive seal.
Sincerely, The Management Minus Andrew Barnett who is perhaps the greatest contributor (not including Zach) to said above-stated atrocities
Follow Lindsay Toler on Twitter at @StLouisLindsay. E-mail the author at [email protected].