Ten Dumbest Criminals of 2012 in St. Louis

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It doesn't take much to become a criminal. But these ten people take criminal behavior to a whole new level -- of stupidity. Really, it takes some effort to fail this miserably. And so we honor the ten stupidest criminals in the St. Louis area/Missouri of 2012.

See also: Ten Worst Crimes of 2012

10. Baron Calmese, Jr. Calmese, who, in his 29 years had amassed a long criminal record, was cooling his heels for a while, staying with his sister in Spanish Lake. Calmese was also broke. His four-year-old nephew, however, had some substantial savings in his piggy bank. One day, Calmese asked his sister if he could borrow some quarters from the kid. His sister allowed him two dollars. Instead, Calmese took the entire bank, $500, and promptly invested it in, in his words, "a piece of ass and some heroin."

It was just like this! With John Wayne and everything!
It was just like this! With John Wayne and everything!

9. Unnamed local man. One afternoon last May, an unnamed local man -- perhaps nostalgic for the days when St. Louis was part of the wild west -- decided to hijack a horse-drawn carriage, the kind that takes visitors on romantic tours of downtown. Perhaps it would have helped if he'd known how to drive a carriage. Instead, once the hijacked driver leaped from the carriage, his horse, Harry, bravely bolted toward his stable with the driver and some military men in hot pursuit. In the barn, waited the police -- and, one hopes, oats, or whatever heroic horses eat these days.

8. Teryun Jackson. Jackson and his pal Marlon K. Jackson were already inmates in the St. Clair county jail, which may have inspired a pair of wiser men to stay on the straight and narrow. Instead, the two Jacksons decided to attack a third inmate over a small matter of gambling debts. In the heat of the moment, Teryun Jackson bit off the man's ear. He hurried to a nearby toilet to flush the evidence. Yeah, because a guy with a missing ear isn't suspicious at all.

Commit two crimes at once!
Commit two crimes at once!

7. Jennifer Vaughn. Let it not be said that we scorn efficiency. Why do just one thing at a time when you can multitask? But Vaughn took efficiency to a whole new level one evening last June when she was arrested while shoplifting at a south county Walmart. While searching her purse, police discovered a one-pot meth lab cooking in a twenty-ounce soda bottle. Probably would have been all ready when she got home, if only those pesky security cameras hadn't interfered!

David Scott, the man who would kill for a bag of Cheetos.
David Scott, the man who would kill for a bag of Cheetos.

6. David Scott. There are some things worth killing for. Love, honor, country, etc. David Scott chose to murder Roger Wilkes (with a stab in the chest) over a bag of Cheetos. What more can we say?

5. Brenda and Charles Albiol. The Albiols checked into a Red Roof Inn near Columbia and promptly converted their room into a meth lab. Police apprehended them, naturally. You really can't trust housekeeping anymore, can you?

4. Anteaus D. Washington. Ever hear the one about how aluminum foil blocks satellite transmissions? We haven't either, but then again, we grew up putting foil over the bunny ears of our TV antennae to improve reception. Anyway, Washington -- apparently a budding scientist -- had the brainwave of covering the satellite on the roof of a Fairview Heights BP with foil in the hopes that the satellite would be unable to transmit credit card information and he could get his gas for free. It's unknown whether this method actually works because witnesses, noticing suspicious activity on the roof of the BP, called the police and Washington was arrested before any signals could get out (or not).

The Robert A. Young Federal Building, protected by McGee's stupidity.
The Robert A. Young Federal Building, protected by McGee's stupidity.

3. Jeremiah Merello McGee. The Fairview Heights police had their hands full with criminal masterminds this year. McGee also had a brilliant idea, that he would firebomb the Robert A. Young Federal Building. One fine day in April, he parked his car and headed toward the building. But wait! He forgot the bomb! He headed back toward his car, set the thing on fire and chucked it toward the building. There was an explosion. And then McGee was promptly arrested, because, unlike other great criminal masterminds, he'd neglected to do proper reconnaissance and had parked in full view of the building's guard shack.

2. A.P. Gambling is illegal in Crane, Missouri, as the gas station owner identified as A.P. clearly must have known. Nonetheless, he chose to install a pair of slot machines in his gas station...which happens to be right across the street from the office of Crane's chief of police. It's perhaps needless to say (though we'll say it anyway) that the casino did not last long.

And the dumbest criminal in St. Louis this year?

William Lawrence - Maplewood Police Department
Maplewood Police Department
William Lawrence

1. William Lawrence. After Lawrence was arrested in February for marijuana possession, Maplewood police confiscated his shotgun and .22 caliber rifle. Lawrence was not happy. Even though he made several phone calls and and even paid a visit to the police department, evidence custodian Kerry Daniels refused to give him his weapons back. So on March 1, Lawrence posted this following ad on Craigslist: "Wanted dead, all the maplewood city police officers, paying one million per head. two million for detectives Kerry Daniels." The police contacted Craigslist founder Craig Newmark, who was able to produce the e-mail and IP addresses of the person responsible for the post, who, of course, turned out to be Lawrence. Since Lawrence is unemployed and declared bankruptcy in 2006, it was unclear how he would have paid the contract killers. He's now facing jail time and fines up to $250,000.

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