The Big Mad: Made-Up Neighborhoods, a Rooster A.G. and Kroenke

May 4, 2021 at 8:53 am
We are sorry, world, for Stan Kroenke. - Peter Powell/EPA/Newscom
Peter Powell/EPA/Newscom
We are sorry, world, for Stan Kroenke.

Welcome back to the Big Mad, the RFT’s weekly roundup of righteous rage! Because we know your time is short and your anger is white hot:

Kroenke still sucks: St. Louis had a chance. We could have stopped billionaire sports mogul Stan Kroenke, by whatever means necessary: Whether that meant uttering his true 72-letter name, shooting lasers at the glowing weak spot on his back, posing an unsolvable riddle, beating him at chess — whatever it would take to rid the world of this sports cancer that hates fun and loves only money. Instead, Kroenke has become the Colossus of Chodes, sitting astride two continents, two sports, as he has moved on from ruining American football to doing his damndest to uglify the beautiful game of soccer. But Stan, man, you really fucked up this time. It was easy to steamroll a single city when all you aspired to be was a man-shaped mistake who owns an L.A. football team, but then you go to Europe? And you try to stage a twelve-team coup to form an NFL-like patsy league? And you thought the hyper-competitive fans would appreciate how teams wouldn’t have to win to retain their spots? Bless your heart. Announced on April 18, it took all of three days before six teams — including London’s legendary Arsenal Football Club, which Kroenke owns — to beat a hasty retreat, leaving the proposed “European Super League” in a shambles before the combined rage of fans, teams, players, cities and even public officials. The implosion set off new calls for Kroenke to sell his team, and, in what must have been a devastating personal moment, the billionaire reportedly apologized to the players and head coach. You love to see it.

Representing the will of themselves: Missouri Republicans have had enough of representative democracy, it turns out, and they're just going to decide what's best for the people of this state regardless of the will of the voters. It's an issue that's been mounting for some time, one that came to an enraging head a few weeks back when Lake St. Louis Rep. Justin Hill decided that, no, his constituents who voted for Medicaid expansion can't have it, because he knows what's best and the voters are too dumb to decide things for themselves (did we get that right, Justin?). And now, seeing as how the commoners didn't throw any tea into the harbor or anything, the so-called "party of personal freedom" has apparently decided to codify imposing their will on the people of this state, pushing simultaneously for laws that would make it harder to vote and harder to get an initiative on the ballot. Secretary of State Jay Ashcroft was even quoted as saying, "Fuck democracy anyway, all my homies hate democracy" — no wait, we got that wrong, but only by a little. "The people elected the legislators to represent them," he said. "We are not a democracy." Sounds absurdly un-American, but if that's going to be your point, why don't you represent the goddamn people then? If only there were a way they could all band together and tell you what it is they want …

What is the Crown District?: There have been tons of local headlines lately about the “Crown District” and how there are attempts being made to convert it into an up-and-coming area. It was being advertised as a fancy new area where all the hottest entertainment would be located in the future. We’d never heard of the Crown District until recently and had no clue where it was, so we had to look it up. Oh, the heart of this new district is at the corner of Chippewa Street and Kingshighway Boulevard? Yeah, we’ve seen some entertainment there before, like the dude who was just chillin’ there in nothing but his sneakers. Or like the thousands of drunks rolling through the Jack in the Box. It’s also where a very large group of registered sex offenders live (look it up), there’s no public parking to speak of and that mostly terrifying large intersection is the opposite of bike- or pedestrian-friendly, but sure, let’s try to make it into a new entertainment district.

Full of Schmitt: In mid-April, state Attorney General Eric Schmitt sent a letter to St. Louis County complaining about restrictions it had imposed to limit the number of people sickened and killed by the coronavirus. And then? Bam! County Executive Sam Page said on Monday that bars and restaurants could go back to 100 percent capacity — or as close as they can get while spacing tables six feet apart.

“Following my warning about the trampling of individual liberties, St. Louis County Executive Sam Page reversed course and eased many restrictions today,” Schmitt bragged in a press release.

And if that was how cause and effect worked, Schmitt would have really done something. It’s not, but can you imagine if it was? Wow! In reality, a few other things happened in the weeks between Schmitt’s letter, and Monday’s announcement. There was the response from County Counselor Beth Orwick in which she politely slaps around the A.G., at one point using his own filing in another case as a reminder that he championed just the kind of authority the county used to issue its orders. The City of St. Louis also got a new mayor, whom Schmitt might have noticed was at Monday’s news conference announcing the same new rules for the city. There was also the small matter of another 220,000-plus people getting their first dose, more than 310,000 becoming fully vaxxed and cases going down. But here Schmitt is, pretending his letter weeks ago bent everyone to his will. Just for clarity, we asked county spokesman Doug Moore what influence the A.G. had on Monday’s announcement. He summed it up pretty well: “Every rooster thinks he made the sun come up.”
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