The Big Mad: Schmitt Breaks Wind, Hawley Podcasts and Missouri Makes the Wrong Choice

click to enlarge Here's Josh Hawley and his wife, laying down what is surely one of the worst podcasts in history. - SCREENSHOT FROM THIS VIDEO
Here's Josh Hawley and his wife, laying down what is surely one of the worst podcasts in history.

Welcome back to the Big Mad, the RFT's weekly roundup of righteous rage! Because we know your time is short and your anger is hot:

Breakin’ Wind: Here’s a tip from a long, careful study: Politicians do some of their dumbest work while wearing windbreakers. Something about the combination of blue nylon and an official-looking logo emboldens the lamest of bureaucrats to act as if they’ve just kicked down the door of the Zodiac Killer’s apartment. Add some yellow block lettering on the back of said windbreaker and you’re in for some real mess. So when Eric Schmitt popped up more than 900 miles from Jefferson City in El Paso, Texas, wearing blue jeans and a jacket with “ATTORNEY GENERAL” on the back, you knew it was about to go down. Schmitt, who is currently losing a Republican primary for fellow windbreaker devotee Eric Greitens, appeared alongside Texas’ attorney general (who was at least in the right state) to demand that President Biden finish that border wall that Mexico was going to pay for. Schmitt says a border agent told him cartels have connections in Missouri, so yeah. Schmitt claims it wasn’t a campaign stunt, and if you doubt his sincerity, you can see him in a video montage posted to both his campaign and official Twitter accounts. There is Schmitt in all the poses of a serious and competent man: talking to real-life border agents, shaking hands with a border agent, walking with a border agent, arms crossed and nodding at a border agent, hands on hips while sitting in an SUV with a border agent. Still not impressed? In the video, Schmitt breaks down Biden’s refusal to act. “There’s money — $3.8 billion — appropriated for it. He refuses to actually spend it on a wall.” Refuses to spend $3.8 billion on a wall. Windbreaker Schmitt couldn't believe it.

Now This Is Podcasting: There’s something both sickly and sweet about the newest podcast on the block, This Is Life. Hosted by Missouri’s premiere seditionist, U.S. Senator Josh Hawley, and his wife, attorney Erin Hawley, the show’s October 25 debut saw Hawley introducing the project with the caveat: “This isn’t really a podcast about politics.” Indeed, the 27-minute episode features hardly a shred of the stuff, aside from it being the backdrop to their cozy family dynamics. Instead, Hawley summarized the podcast’s theme as one of recognizing America’s “hour of need” — and what America needs, of course, is more Josh Hawley. Sure, he doesn't come out and say it, cloaking his rapacious side while waxing righteously about the need for people to treasure their families, “to live for the things that are going to last.” But the most telling part of This Is Life’s debut episode actually comes at the very end: In the last seconds, after the outro has already faded, a different voice comes on to clarify exactly what things Hawley is hoping to make last. The voice says: “Paid for by Josh Hawley for Senate.” That’s life, alright.

Candy Crushed: As Missourians, we are used to having horrible options (see: our U.S. Senate race) but for some reason, even when we have endless choices, some among us are still dead set on picking the worst fucking one possible. Yes, we’re talking about the fact that recent online shopping data shows that Missouri prefers purchasing, of all things, Milky Ways for their Halloween candies. This is unacceptable. If you’re buying Halloween candy to pass out to the children after they tell you a joke or whatever obstacle you make them jump through, and then you hand them one Milky Way, these kids fully get to TP your house. The size of a Milky Way in a Halloween-edition bag is equivalent to one Lego, and it’s definitely not worth freezing your ass off in the Missouri cold. These kids trek through miles and miles of neighborhoods in search of sweets — something they were robbed of last year, mind you — and all you’re going to hand them is a Milky Way, gone after one bite of chocolate-caramel disappointment? Why would you want that for the future of this nation? Why settle for a Milky Way when you can buy individual packs of M&Ms or Sour Patch Kids? When the night is done, you will have leftovers, that’s a guarantee. Do you want to overindulge in Milky Way bars? We didn’t think so. Do better for yourself, Missouri. Aim higher. Just for once, make the right fucking choice.

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About The Authors

Daniel Hill

Daniel Hill is editor at large for the Riverfront Times and he demands to be taken seriously, despite all evidence to the contrary. Follow him on Twitter at @editorfatlarge.
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