The Cardinals' Dampest, Most Shirtless-est Champion is Tyler O'Neill

click to enlarge The Cardinals' Dampest, Most Shirtless-est Champion is Tyler O'Neill
When a body thirsts, it drinks. This is the way of normal humans, and not a musclebound St.Louis Cardinal celebrating his teammates absolutely stomping the Chicago Cubs and winning the National League Central Division. Tyler O'Neill is not a normal human, and he will not wear a shirt.

O'Neill, whose biceps reportedly earned him the nickname "Popeye" in college, is also not like the other Cardinals players, most of whom showed up to Sunday's victorious clubhouse bacchanal wearing protective eye goggles, an indication that even in victory, players know safety comes first. In a Twitter video posted by the team, photographers can be seen with their camera lenses covered in plastic. Everyone is expecting the torrents of beer and champagne to come.

It is within this wet spotlight that O'Neill  takes center stage, and as the beer begins to fly, all eyes are on the center fielder, living his loudest and most wettest life, and also destroying his shirt.

On Twitter, the sight of a deliriously happy, beer-drenched ripped dude hulking out of his shirt was met with the widespread approval deserved by such an objectively good and cool thing. (It also resulted in a considerable amount of thirsty gifs and replies, because, well, duh.)

O'Neill himself commemorated his antics to his teammates, posting a photo of his soaked glory with the caption, "For the boys."

For his gesture, though, O'Neill got several eyefuls of beer, which in the video appeared to leave him blinded and stumbling backwards as he frantically wiped the Bud Light from his face. And while O'Neill's lack of eye protection invited that fate, even players who did bring goggles, like outfielder Harrison Bader, didn't actually use them. In an interview with a Fox Sports reporter, Bader explained that "They're just for show, they look cool."

Like everyone, Bader was caught up in the moment, and he started to say "I can't see sh—" but managed to catch himself, adorably, before he uttered a profanity on a live interview.

"I can't see anything," said the beer-blinded Bader. "But it's worth it."

What's next for these drenched boys? On Thursday, the postseason will lead them to Atlanta to take on the Braves — a gutless, hydrophobic team which, we must note, opted for full eye protection during their own champagne-soaked celebration on September 20.

Just look at this shameful display. Goggles all the way down, shirts on, and not a single blue Bud Light can in view? They look like dressed-down snowboarders. Against the wet-hot Cardinals, they don't stand a chance.

Follow Danny Wicentowski on Twitter at @D_Towski. E-mail the author at [email protected]
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