The Mattress Pad Incident

Unreal slides between the sheets with a local author, digs up a strange paean to Dr. Seuss and finds a "freedom ministry" we can truly believe in. Plus: A picture's worth (in this case) two words.

Mona Mudd

Unreals memoir remains unwritten, but anyone looking to get a sneak peek into the life of a local journalist need look no further than Mona Mudd. A country-music columnist for Wentzvilles Echo Magazine, Mudd recently released her autobiography, Faking Normal, a self-published book she describes as a bittersweet and lighthearted account of a woman constantly in transition. The book is available online at

Unreal: What makes you think anyone wants to read about your life?

Mona Mudd: Well, its not meant to be arrogant. The book is really about all women and the various roles we must play — from mother to sister to colleague to friend. I havent always played them well. In fact, Ive made some whopper mistakes.

Such as?

After high school I got a job working at Sams Club. While I was there, I got pregnant and the father ran off. I ended up marrying another guy but that didnt work. It just seemed that I was doing everything out of order.

Sounds like a country song. Have you ever tried to kill yourself?

Oh, no! Things are good now. Im remarried and have two beautiful children. I hope the book will teach people to keep going no matter the obstacles.

In light of James Freys A Million Little Pieces, how can readers be expected to believe a word of your memoir?

Well, some of it is based on my teenage journals. Its not like I went back and made all that stuff up. Also, each chapter starts out with a real-life e-mail between me and my girlfriends that sparks the story. My girlfriends are listed as contributors.

Whats the funniest scene in the book?

Probably the mattress pad incident. I bought this thing that I thought was a comforter. It was so heavy and hot and — not to spoil the story, but it was a mattress pad!

Ha! Who would gain the most from reading your memoir: Hillary Clinton or Paris Hilton?

I think Paris definitely would, but shes in such a bubble. I dont think shes open to lifes lessons.

But she certainly knows the difference between a mattress pad and a comforter, no?



Pot Lucky
Unreal had just returned home from the World Series of Poker in Las Vegas when we saw what appeared to be a parking ticket on the windshield of our 1987 Pontiac Fiero GT Fastback.

"Curse you, Dan Nassif!Ó we howled, before looking more closely and realizing it was simply a folded handbill headlined "The Drug War is a Lie, Marijuana is Fun and Healthy.Ó

We'll go along with that. Better yet, the author turned out to be none other than Christian Peper, RFT letter-writer extraordinaire. (Sample quote, on the occasion of Malcolm Gay's February 16 feature, "Out of EgyptÓ: "The explosion of female energy as we approach 2012 is giving birth to the Mother Gaia mind. Wake up, idiot America!Ó)

Highlights from the reefer missive, reproduced verbatim:

"The main stream media and big government fascist agents have been engaged in a smear campaign against marijuana.

Marijuana enhances many activities. Marijuana is an excellent way to break the ice at a party. Few activities draw people together better that the passing of a joint or a freshly loaded pipe.

Marijuana is an excellent antidepressant, far better than Prozac or Paxil. [...]

True Christians realize that the drug war fascism only leads to the New World Order slavery warned about in Revelation. Many religions claim to spread enlightenment and love but only spread the slavery to an organization. True enlightenment can only come through the quest. Drugs can aid this quest. [...]

Abusive redneck cops get sexual pleasure "busting downÓ the youth. Americans are now nothing more than cattle for the prisons. Stop supporting the police state. (This writing is protected religious speech and is not legal or health advice.) Party hard, don't smoke and drive. To support my freedom ministry please send cash, check or money order to: Christina Peper, 6614 Clayton rd #277, Saint Louis, MO. 63117. Just Say Yes to Marijuana!Ó

We couldn't have said it any better, and that's why we've decided to chip in a buck for every $1,000 that Unreal's readers donate to your cause. In fact, Christina, er, Christian, you can expect your first dollar soon, on spec!

Until then, don't bogart that joint, homie.

Ever get the urge to jump up and ____ this damn town? Tell Unreal about it! E-mail [email protected].

Local Blog O' the Week

"Bill Chotts Blog"
Author: Bill Chott
About the blogger:
Bill Chott is a semi-famous comic actor who starred in The Ringer and recently moved from LA back to St. Louis, just in time to have his neighborhood whacked by last month's big storm.
Recent Highlight (July 3): People have made some remarks about my rhyming faculties and compared me to Dr. Suess. To this I have to say: "DR. SUESS IS DEAD!!!!!!Ó

And so, I've decided to re-publish a poem I wrote the week of his death:
Have you ever heard of a dead Dr. Suess? He dropped dead from drinking the Whoberry Juice. He gagged and he wheezed and he swallowed his tongue. He coughed and he spit and exploded a lung.

Along came some people to save Suess's life, some wharfsnattle doctors and also his wife. Yurtle the Turtle and Horton too, the Grinch who stole Christmas and Cindy Lou Who.

"Get Back,Ó he said, "Get back, I say! I've no room to breathe with you standing that way.

"I'm dying today,Ó he said with elation. "But I don't want to die of asphyxiation.

"Just take a step back and get me a drink. I'm planning my burial, now let me think...

"You can put me in a suit, send my wife a bowl of fruit. But no hearse rides for Dr. Suess, put me in a big caboose. And pull it with a purple moose. And from his antlers, hang a noose.

"A dead Dr. Suess on a moose noose caboose.

"Then dig a big hole, deep under the sea. Where the one fish and two fish and blue fish will be. Dig it real deep with a snorkrumple shovel. Drop me into the ocean and wave at my bubbles.

"That's what I'd do if I'm dying today. And I am, damnit, so go CRAM it and leave me...Olay!Ó

Know of an Unreal-worthy local blog?
Send the URL to [email protected]

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