Top Thirteen Skanky Prom Gowns: Definitely Not Mom-Approved (PHOTOS)

click to enlarge Back in the '90s, this happened at prom -- and we were PISSED. - VIA
Back in the '90s, this happened at prom -- and we were PISSED.

Prom season is here! Magazines, websites and well-meaning-but-crazy family members have been preparing girls for this magical dance for years, ensuring that prom is second only to a wedding in terms of a young woman's self-worth. How exciting!

Such a grand occasion calls for just the right dress -- something classy yet memorable, unique but age appropriate. Unfortunately, the prom dress websites we've researched have terrible grammar and cater only to future escorts who have crackwhores for moms. Where are the pastel cupcake dresses from Footloose or the black taffeta number that both Brenda and Kelly wore on Beverly Hills 90210? But perhaps we're jaded and aren't seeing these gowns with clear eyes. Maybe we need a dose of reality from someone who's lived through two tantrum-prone girls clamoring to grow up too fast.

Enter our mother Marsha, a corn-fed Ohioan with good taste and solid Midwestern values. We showed Mom a few dresses and asked if we could wear them to prom. Boy, did she have opinions:

13. Sherri Hill Short Dress 2900

Site description: "This Sexy Dress showcases a sweetheart neckline and an incredibly fitted corset with exposed boning. Intricate Stones on Bodice sparkle unbelievably! This Sherri Hill Dress 2900 is fabulous for a New Years Dress, Party Dress, or Social Occasion Dress. Complete this look with Fierce Bracelets, a Cocktail Ring, and Sexy Heels. $850." [All dress descriptions are directly from the website and have not been edited.]

Our take: It's a bit tiny, but we think it's got a little more potential than the next few dresses. Besides, shiny black film strips and colorful rhinestones suit our personality.

Mom's take: Dear God. [Dramatic pause] Allison, it looks hoochie. Look how far it goes up!

Are we allowed to wear it to prom? No.

12. Jasz Couture Dress 4701

Site description: "Shopping for the perfect Little Black Dress? Look no further than this Jasz Couture Dress 4701. This Sexy Dress showcases an intricately beaded sweetheart neckline, fitted silhouette, and side midriff cutouts embellished with rhinestones. Accessorize this Dress with Rhinestone Earrings, a Statement Cuff, and Black Heels. This Black Dress is fantastic for a Homecoming Dress, Winter Formal Dress, or Social Occasion Dress. 2012 Jasz Couture Homecoming Dresses. $258."

Our take: "Sexy" means leaving a little to the imagination, right? That's exactly what this dress does, as the side straps show off our supple tanned flesh without being too revealing.

Mom's take: Maybe if it wasn't cut out on the sides. I don't think the back is that bad, though. They sure wear goofy stuff to prom now.

Are we allowed to wear it to prom? No.

11. Short Form-Fitting Black Dress

Site description: "Short sheer black dress. $49."

Our take: This basic tank dress has a great shape. It looks a little like a wetsuit, and classy leather circles are hiding the boobs. Plus it's rated four out of five crowns and is only $49 on Cheap!

Mom's take: That looks like Spanx! Cripes, it's even too tight for her, look at her hips! There are no redeeming qualities on this one.

Are we allowed to wear it to prom? No.

Continue for more skankalicious dresses.

10. Hot Pink Mini Dress by Sherri Couture 2220

Site description: "Short gets sassy and fun in this seductive hot pink mini dress by Sherri Hill. If you're looking for a sexy short dress in pink to show off your curves this form fitting dress is a perfect choice. Dare to wear it to prom or make it a fun night at the clubs this mini dress is sure to get you noticed. This sexy short dress is also available in black, red, or white. $260."

Our take: This notice-me number comes in every teenager's favorite colors and shows off our tiny ass before it goes to hell ten years later. Bonus: We can go bra-less.

Mom's take: Well, you have to have the right shape to wear it, that's for sure. Actually, I think that one is better than the other ones. It needs to be a little longer overall, but at least it's a little higher in the front. I like the pastel green version. No, that one's not that bad. But these dresses are all for twenty-something-year-olds, not sixteen-year-olds.

Are we allowed to wear it to prom? No.

9. Terani Dress P1616

Site description: "Show off your toned back in this 2013 Terani Dress style P1616. Showcasing a plunged neckline, and bedazzled straps that criss cross in the back and create a lovely view. A printed chiffon skirt overlays a tulle poufy skirt. Compliment with Tear Drop Earrings, Multiple Single Strand Bracelets, and Fabulous Heels for a finished look. You will make a fashion forward statement in this flirty Terani Dress. $350."

Our take: The white fabric heralds a return to innocence. Also, we could add some wings and reuse this as a fairy costume for Halloween. Get more for your money!

Mom's take: Well, that looks like a nightie! I don't see anything good. No, absolutely not.

Are we allowed to wear it to prom? No.

8. Xcite 30342

Site description: "Stunning high low dress with a halter neckline and embellished with sequins. $318."

Our take: The long/short combo should please both Mom and Johnny from the football team. Besides, this dress will fulfill our long-held dream of becoming a sexy vampire, like the ones that are all the rage on TV nowadays.

Mom's take: Ugh, it does look like a vampire dress. I don't think it's necessary to have the dress's back cut out when you're sixteen. I don't like the long and short of it, and there's too much cleavage. I don't like this one at all. At all.

Are we allowed to wear it to prom? No.

Continue for more skankalicious dresses.

7. Precious Formals Dress P55155

Site description: "Unique Precious Formals Dress P55155 Showcases an Asymmetrical Neckline with an Embellished Ruffled One Strap. Fitted Troso with beautiful bead work and Asymmetrical Ruching that cinches the Fitted Natural Waistline and gives a Slenderizing look. Fully Sequin Hot Pants will Really Shine and give this Dress a very Unique look. Gorgeous Free Flowing sheer overlay makes this Stunning Dress a High Low Hem. Center Back Zipper closure. Accessorize this Dress by adding Dangly Earrings, Multiple Bangle. $350."

Our take: We've always wanted to throw a curveball at prom, and this "dress" facilitates that. The showstopping ensemble looks just like something Taylor Swift would wear on her "Red" tour -- high-waisted shorts are in again!

Mom's take: What in the hell? No. Those are hot pants! I actually wore hot pants years ago; that was one of our fashion things. If the top part of this outfit was an actual dress, this wouldn't be so bad. But there are no redeeming qualities, no matter what. She looks like Miss Kitty from Gunsmoke, and the one in the yellow looks like a canary.

Are we allowed to wear it to prom? No.

6. Precious Formals Dress P8912

Site description: "The exquisite detailing on this hand beaded single shoulder gown is further accented by its transparent waistline and decorative cutout back and short train, illusion and Sequence. Stunning Prom Dress from Precious Formals. This single shoulder Dress features a sweetheart neckline, fitted silhouette, and open back with Beaded straps. All over sequins makes this Dress sparkle in any lighting. Precious Formals Prom Dresses P8912 is the on for you. $384."

Our take: Some of us used to dress up like Cleopatra when we were young. Wouldn't this make a great high school version of the Egyptian princess? We'll also nicely match Grandma's bronze-and-silver special occasion dress when we pose for pre-prom family photos.

Mom's take: Well, no, that dress is not for a sixteen-year-old; that girl's like 25. It shouldn't have so much midriff showing if a sixteen-year-old is going to wear it. There's too much back missing; it's way too low. If they're trying to sell to sixteen-year-olds, why don't they use sixteen-year-old models? You need to look in the Seventeen magazine prom section for stuff, Allison.

Are we allowed to wear it to prom? No.

5. Sexy Sequin Evening Gown by Night Moves 6611

Site description: "Dare to be dramatic at your 2013 prom or formal in this sexy strapless sequin dress by Night Moves. A daring evening gown for prom featuring a sweetheart neckline on the seductive sheer bodice and a floor length skirt drenched in liquid sequins. This dress for black tie affairs or prom has a sultry style that will make any fashion diva feel sexy. Available in Black, Pewter, Gold, or Royal Blue. $378."

Our take: Sparkly vines climb up our torso while spiderweb mesh provides a bit of modesty. Excellent for conjuring up love spells on prom night.

Mom's take: I don't think it should show her midriff; that's not appropriate. There's too much cleavage. It looks like one of those bustier things, and the mesh doesn't count as coverage. I can't imagine anybody letting their kid out of the house like this.

Are we allowed to wear it to prom? No.

4. Riva Dress R9456

Site description: "This 2013 Riva Prom Dress R9456 is a Fabulous and Fun dress! This Strapless Dress features a Beaded Upper Bodice and a Fitted Waist to show off your shape. The front of this Riva R9456 Dress has Pickups and Flower Appliques. The Fun Print will definitely have people noticing you at your Special Occasion! This Riva R9456 is Perfect for a Prom Dress, Sweet Sixteen Dress or Winter Formal! $418."

Our take: Meow! This festive number will help us bring out our inner Charo. We love that the rhinestones around the bust form a heart shape -- sure to represent the true love that will be ours on prom night!

Mom's take: Oh my God. No, that's not for a prom, that's for salsa dancing. That's like Dancing with the Stars! When you look at the back of that dress, it doesn't look half bad; it looks like a normal dress until she turns around. If you walked out of the dressing room with this, I'd say no. I don't know why anyone would want to wear that.

Are we allowed to wear it to prom? No.

Continue for more skankalicious dresses.

3. Floor Length Jasz Dress 4524

Site description: "Floor length formal dress with side cut-outs and a thigh-high slit in front. $398."

Our take: It's a bikini! It's a dress! It's a bikinidress! We love the rhinestone tramp stamp on the back of the dress, and the sparkles draw the eye to our most important front-facing features. That shade of purple is fit for royalty.

Mom's take: Oh my God, Allison. Again, not prom material. This shouldn't be cut out on the sides, and she needs more material in the back. This looks like lingerie, too. Even on the red carpet, people don't have a lot of skin showing like that, because if they do, they get the thumbs-down on TV and in magazines. They don't wear anything slit clear down to their crack.

Are we allowed to wear it to prom? No.

2. Unique Print High-Low Jasz Dress 4584

Site description: "High low dress with cut out sides and back featuring ruffled skirt. Please note: the placement of the pattern on the dress may be different than picture due to cutting. $398."

Our take: This cotton candy dress is sure to make our prom date hungry. The fluffy pink material has a sweetness we haven't seen in many gowns.

Mom's take: Oh my gosh -- frilly, frilly, frilly! What, almost $400 for that? You've got to be kidding me! She looks like a Popsicle. I would think that these dresses would be heavy with all that stuff on there. That's just a weird dress, though I see white dresses like these for brides on Say Yes to the Dress, or they could wear most of these on Dancing with the Stars. On Dancing with the Stars, they would wear a flesh-color unitard under it, but teenage girls aren't going to do that -- they're going to go get tan.

Are we allowed to wear it to prom? No.

1. Sexy Long Gown by Jasz 4109

Site description: "Be the center of attention at any formal event in this super sexy long gown by Jasz. A colorful shimmering charmeuse long print prom dress with a seductive cut out design embellished with sequins and beads. A daring evening gown for the girl who wants to be noticed. $378."

Our take: We've long admired the dancing colors within an oil spill on the driveway, and now we can wear one. A rhinestone spider elegantly protects the modesty of our midriff, and the pronounced bikini top gives us a chance to put our bra-stuffing skills to the test..

Mom's take: Here's the first problem when I go onto this site: it says "sexy long gown." If you're sixteen, you shouldn't even be looking for a "sexy long gown." When I look at prom dresses, I like to see "sweet." I don't want to see "trashy." [Site finally finishes loading] Ewwww, those colors are yucky; she's like a peacock. She looks like she's been in some magazines, if you know what I mean. I don't like that one at all.

Are we allowed to wear it to prom? No.

Things we've learned about prom from Mom:

  • The Wolverine-slashed-the-sides-of-my-dress look isn't cool.
  • Prom dresses are expensive.
  • Dresses fall into the following categories: sweet, trashy or Dancing with the Stars.
  • Dress models are too old and have possibly "been in magazines, if you know what I mean."
  • Seventeen magazine is where teenagers should shop for dresses.
  • We're not allowed to wear any of these dresses to prom.

Got it. Thanks, Mom!

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