Unreal applies for a little job and advocates decapitation

Jun 10, 2009 at 4:00 am

Unreal has not been immune to the recession. Sure, we still contribute a column every now and again, but times is tough, and we're in the market for a second job to keep food on the table and booze in the belly.

Last week, one Craigslist post struck our fancy:

"Omalleys Irish Pub is looking for a little person/dwarf to work part time as a door person. Must like the bar atmosphere, have a good sense of humor and show up on time.... [N]o experience needed."

Operating on the theory that one out of three ain't bad (OK, one out of four if you count the little-person requirement), we got the Cherokee Street pub's proprietor, Tommy Gates, on the blower.

Unreal: Why a little person/dwarf for the doorman?

Tommy Gates: I think it'd be funny. A little guy, an Irish pub — it's good humor.

Is it the combination of the dwarf and the Irish pub that makes it funny, or are little people on their own inherently funny?

No, no, just the Irish pub. Wee people and the Irish pub. You know, that's what I find funny.

Can Munchkins, midgets and Oompa-Loompas apply?

Stop by, and we'll see what we think. We need a doorman from ten till one on Fridays and Saturdays. It pays 30 bucks a night.

Are drinks included?

Oh, absolutely.

Have you considered hiring a giant and a midget? That way you could get security and humor at the same time.

Well, I'm only 5'10", but I was ranked nineteenth in the world in the '86 Goodwill Games in boxing, so there's never no trouble here. 

Off With Its Head!
Much has been made about how the drab confines of the Edward Jones Dome could provide an excuse for the Rams to leave St. Louis once they're sold to a new owner.

The team's contract with St. Louis mandates that the dome be among the nicest 25 percent of stadiums in the NFL, and no one who's been to the Ed (or "football warehouse," as it has also been called) could argue that the venue comes anywhere close. In fact, in 2007 Sports Illustrated ranked just 5 stadiums (out of the league's 31 venues) behind the Edward Jones Dome.

So what's St. Louis to do? Here is Unreal's simple solution:

A can opener.

That's right. Take a giant can opener to the dome, and rip off its roof. Seriously. Allow us to explain.

The problem with the dome is that it sucks all life out of the game, providing all the charm of a finished basement, circa 1984. You know the one we're talking about: faux wood paneling, water-stained carpeting, tile ceiling with flickering, fluorescent lights. The sour reek of mildew.

Cutting the roof off will make it a real football venue.

But wait, there's more! Have the city and county float a bond for $200 to $300 million that would allow the stadium authority to put a retractable roof on top. Then roll that bond offer into the sale price of the Rams. (Hey, what's another $200 million when the value of the team is a supposed $925 million?)

Under this proposal the Rams would now be part owners of the stadium, giving the team's owners even more incentive to stay in St. Louis. And with a retractable-roof stadium (at a fraction of the price of building a new structure), the Rams might once again have a home within the top 25 percent of all teams.

At the very least, a retractable roof would make games much more pleasurable for fans. And don't we deserve this as much as the team does, especially after sticking by a franchise that's won just five games in the past two seasons?