Unreal Makes Bid for Blues

Hey, Bill and Nancy Laurie: Unreal's got $200 and a hot new dance craze! Plus, we learn how to dupe the beer vendors at Fair Saint Louis, join a local blog in the clubhouse and get Matt Blunt's feelings on (Confederate) flag-burning.

Jun 29, 2005 at 4:00 am
Earlier this month St. Louis Blues owners Bill and Nancy Laurie put their National Hockey League franchise up for sale.

Unreal is prepared to buy the team and take over its lease on the Savvis Center.

The Lauries reportedly are hopeful they can find a local buyer who will keep the Blues in St. Louis. This may work in Unreal's favor, as our offering price for the franchise and the Savvis lease is lower than $140 million, the value Forbes magazine placed on the package this past November. (A substantial portion of that sum represents the outstanding debt on the Savvis Center.)

Unreal is prepared to pay $200 for the whole kit and kaboodle, which seems generous under the circumstances.

The Lauries did not set an asking price.

Should our offer be accepted, we intend to transform the Blues from a hockey team into a "Krump Squad" of whiteface street dancers.

"Krumping" -- also referred to (somewhat inaccurately) as "clowning" or "stripper dancing" -- originated in South Central Los Angeles when an ex-drug dealer and children's entertainer known as Tommy the Clown began spicing up his clients' parties with a dance routine. Now a full-blown nightclub phenomenon, krumping is immortalized in fashion photographer David LaChapelle's new film, Rize.

Unreal views the potential acquisition of the Blues as part of a strategic entry into the realm of sports-property investment.

Other irons in the fire include purchasing the naming rights of a two-year-old colt in training at Fairmount Park for $100 and lobbying British bookmakers to offer odds on whether former St. Louis Cardinals pitcher Rick Ankiel will make it to the major leagues as an outfielder.

If and when the odds on the latter are set, Unreal will wager between one and two hundred dollars -- though we aren't ready to reveal which side of the bet we're on. We prefer to let our krumpers do our talking -- because krumping is the new talking.

God Bless America!

Is there anything more American than tossing back a dozen cups of Bud and a couple of funnel cakes at Fair Saint Louis while rocking to "Wang Dang Sweet Poontang," and then ralphing in the Mississippi? "For many people, food and drink is as much a part of the entertainment as the event itself," confirms the very insightful Gerry Armstrong of Lohr Distribution, as he addresses a group of Fair Saint Louis beer vendors during a recent orientation at Anheuser-Busch headquarters. And yet time and time again, The Man cuts us off. Just for trying to have a good time. Well, Unreal is fed up -- and when we say, "Fed up," we mean "fed up" -- with activist vendors playing God, so this year we have resolved to come to Fair Saint Louis prepared.

"People who are intoxicated may tell off-color jokes," says Armstrong, going over a laundry list of warning signs. "They get too personal with you or a customer or do something they would never do if they were sober. Behavior becomes socially unacceptable." They overrate themselves, he says, and believe they're sober. They forget what they want to order when they make it to the front of the line. They walk away without their change. They slur their words. They trip and fall.

"If you have doubts about serving alcohol to a customer," he says, "don't serve!"

Armed with this valuable information, Unreal has composed a simple spiel, aimed at fooling the vendors:

"I am a very humble person and was quite offended by the off-color joke the gentleman behind me just told. It wasn't the least bit funny. I would like three Budweisers, and I will wait right here until you give me my change."

Memorize it. Practice reciting it in front of a mirror. Then, to be on the safe side, cut it out and take it with you when you go.

Other suggestions: To avoid staggering, attend the festivities in a wheelchair. To guard against slurring, precede each beer order by shoving a funnel cake in your mouth and screaming, "Wang Dang Sweet Poontang! God bless America!"

See you at the fair.


"Freelance Sociology for the Gateway City"


Author: Travisty

About the blogger: "I'm 28, have two degrees, and give people food stamps." He also has a girlfriend named Jen who is blind and a dog named Lilly Dog.

Recent Highlight (June 3, 2005): So a lot of the people there were middle-aged women, and when Jen and I went to the pool (we were the first ones in), the women all lined up on the deck above us to watch me get half-naked. It was like being in a zoo or something... I wish I had thought to sell tickets. They were making comments about being careful not to get drool on me and the like. But the pool was heated and they had a diving board and a slide... I got in a little trouble for pulling a dog in the pool, but I figured after the free peep show everyone got they could kiss my ass.

We swam for hours, talking to two other couples that, while not really close to us in age, were very close to us in mindset. I had a lot of fun swimming, the first time this year (except for a late night skinny dip with the anarchists that I ain't talking about...). So afterwards we go inside to change and walk through the owner's playroom - that is, the male clubhouse. It Rocked!

I'm talking a nice pool table, slot machines, a fully stocked bar, a player piano with tons of rolls including Johnny Cash, a big screen TV with surround sound, and a picture over the mantle with Paul Newman and Jackie Gleason playing pool in "The Hustler". Paul (owner of house) had bought this $5000 player piano from an old lady at a yard sale for $300. He actually TALKED HER DOWN from $500. He totally ripped her off, but that's his problem... So some other guys and I played pool, and I didn't leave until... well, until Jen complained and I had to leave. In her defense we were the next to last people to go, and she had to work in the morning. But last night was the first time she actually got on my nerves...

Know of an Unreal-worthy local blog? Send the URL to [email protected].

Smokin' Blunt

June 4, 2005

JEFFERSON CITY (AP) - Republican Gov. Matt Blunt has ordered the Confederate flag to fly Sunday at the Confederate Memorial State Historic Site in Higginsville, Mo., where an afternoon graveside service is planned to mark Confederate Memorial Day.

June 22, 2005

WASHINGTON (AP) - The House on Wednesday approved a constitutional amendment that would give Congress the power to ban desecration of the American flag, a measure rejected twice by the Senate in the past decade but expected to get a closer vote this year.

June 29, 2005

HIGGINSVILLE (AP) - Republican Gov. Matt Blunt has asked State Rep. Cynthia Davis to introduce an amendment to the state constitution to ban desecration of the Confederate flag, he announced today.

"Confederate flag detractors have the right to voice their opinions," said Blunt, speaking outside Pump 'n' Go, a local quick shop and filling station that is the town's leading retailer of Confederate flag paraphernalia. "That's what the First Amendment is for. But soon, God willing, they'll no longer have the legal right to burn it. Nor desecrate it. Nor to go to the bathroom on it. Nor deface it with a big ol' Sharpie, either.

"My amendment will protect not just the Confederate flag itself, but also items bearing the image of the flag," he said. "We're talking mugs, pens, mud flaps -- even can coolers. Do not -- I repeat, do not -- tread on me," he said, holding up a mud flap bearing an image of the Rebel flag and the cartoon character Yosemite Sam. "Yee-haw!"