Vipers Fans Poop in Their Boots as St. Louis Battlehawks' Return Looks Likely

May 19, 2022 at 1:01 pm
This guy has gotta be pretty pumped. - JUSTIN POOLE
This guy has gotta be pretty pumped.

Ka-kawlling all St. Louis football fans: It's looking increasingly likely that your beloved Battlehawks will be returning to the turf next spring.

KSDK reports that the Dome at America's Center, better known (probably, hopefully) as "the Nest" among fans of St. Louis' bygone XFL team, has set aside five weekend dates in the spring of 2023 for possible XFL home games.

That should come as potentially great news to the rabid fan base that made St. Louis the league's leading market during its brief 2020 run. The team had only played a total of five games before the entire league shut down due to the COVID-19 pandemic, but it meanwhile led the pack in television viewership, social media followers and attendance during its short tenure. XFL Newsroom notes that it was the one team in the league that had an instant following, and it was on pace to bring out 50,000 attendees for its matchup against the Los Angelos Wildcats before the plug was pulled on the season.

See also: Coronavirus Poops Standing Up As XFL Suspends Season

That's due in part to St. Louis' lack of an NFL team, as well as sports fans' lingering anger over Rams owner Stan Kroenke's shady moves that took the team out of St. Louis and back to LA. (Alongside the ubiquitous battle cry of "Ka-kaw," "Kroenke sucks" was a common chant at hometown games.)

But if it's good news for Battlehawks fans, it must be terrible news for fans of the detestable Tampa Bay Vipers. The Vipers, as sports historians will note, were the Battlehawks' fiercest rivals, representing a feud with the intensity of a thousand suns that seemed to span across all of space and time, despite the fact the two teams never actually played against one another.

Some might wonder: How could a rivalry possibly exist between a pair of teams that have never actually shared a field? The answer is twofold: Firstly, hawks eat snakes. That's a simple nature fact, and it therefore stands to reason that the mighty Battlehawks would prey upon the slithering reptiles of Tampa Bay. Secondly, Vipers fans poop standing up. That's a simple bathroom habit fact that has become well-established lore among Battlehawks fans since even before either team touched the turf, and it's a perversion that St. Louis fans are simply unable to overlook.

See also: "Vipers Fans Poop Standing Up" and Other XFL Facts From BattleHawks Fans

When the 2020 season shut down, the Battlehawks and the Vipers were mere days away from their first matchup — meaning that the Vipers got real damn lucky, having only to face an ongoing worldwide pandemic rather than the sharp talons of the XFL's toughest team. But as evidence continues to mount that the Battlehawks will be making a comeback, supporters of the Vipers must be shaking in their boots.

And let's be honest, they're probably pooping in 'em too. You know how those weirdos are.