Dear Mexican: Well of course I thought of a good old-school blowjob, silly. How do you think I calmed his ass down enough to actually have sex the first time? I thought he was going to have a heart attack. While he loves the BJs (especially since his Mexican ex-wife wouldn't do that what's up with that?), we're still struggling. He thinks I'm gorgeous, the nicest person he's ever met and loves the sex, but he doesn't really believe that I would or could be part of his life in the long run. He's planning to move to Texas to be closer to his kids. I'm heartbroken and wonder if I should never go down this road again or if it was just him. What do you think no more gorgeous Mexican guys for me?
Suffering from a similar predicament is El Fruncido (Frowning Wab):
Dear Mexican: I'm dating a gabacha who's very much into Mexicans, but if there's anything American culture has taught us, it's that gabachos like their ethnics a bit manicured. They keep reminding us how "quaint" our culture, country and language seem to them, but then hire people like Charlton Heston and Antonio Banderas to play Mexicans. It's only natural that the inferiority complex Octavio Paz constantly pondered comes knocking from behind our door every now and then. I think the blowjob solution for Enamorada Gabacha is a great idea, but can a relationship between a Mexican and a gringo really work on the long term? Or is the cultural clash more like our countries' diplomatic relations, where the United States commands and its southern, poorer neighbors must follow?
Enamorada, you're right to wonder why Mexican women don't like to mamar vergas it stems from the Thomist notion that sex acts without the possibility of conception are a cardinal sin. But if you're still experiencing problems with your Mexican, you've discovered something profound: Noncommittal pussy-men transcend borders. Any hombre who won't commit to a smart, sexy girl like yourself no es a real Mexican man, so kick that puto out, Enamorada Gabacha, and prepare yourself for the waves of gorgeous Mexican guys who will undoubtedly bug me for your e-mail. And Frowning Wab: You bad-mouth gabachas, yet you date one. No oral sex yet, eh?
Dear Mexican: How come niggers don't like Mexicans? It seems like they are welcome at our bars, but when you go to their bars, these motherfuckers act like you're trying to re-institute slavery. Don't these chanates know that we don't think like the white man?
Dear Wab: Time and time again in this column, wabs like you show why tensions between Mexicans and African-Americans are waiting for a match. To bridge this perilous racial gap, I urge wabs to consult Nashieqa Washington's recently published Why Do Black People Love Fried Chicken? And Other Questions You've Wondered but Didn't Dare Ask. According to Washington, blacks don't like Mexicans because they feel Mexicans are slowly displacing them "socially, politically and economically...[w]ith shifting ethnic demographics (i.e. more Latinos), I fully expect these tensions to extend beyond poor Blacks into wider society." Washington is right flare-ups between old and new communities in the United States are as American as jazz. But one thing Washington doesn't mention is how fiercely Mexicans dump on African-Americans, which gives them every right to want us deported. For chrissake, Niggarachi, you called African-Americans "niggers," "motherfuckers" and "chanates" (the Mexican Spanish word for "blackbird" and yet another slur in our Rolodex of Racism used against blacks) in the course of your question and you still have to ask why "they" hate us?
To order a copy of Washington's book, visit yourblackfriend.com.
Got a spicy question about Mexicans? Ask the Mexican at [email protected]. And those of you who do submit questions: include a hilarious pseudonym, por favor, or we'll make one up for you!