Instructor, Three-Time Washout Driving School
"The Dirt Cheap Chicken. He comes from the bad side of the tracks, and I heard he's a mean drunk. I think there would be some serious clawing and scratching and pecking and spitting -- whatever chickens do -- but feathers would be flying everywhere, and in the end Fredbird would be Deadbird."
Dan "Sleight o' Hand" McCarthy
Bartender, Schlafly Bottleworks
"Probably Fred, two out of three falls."
Compliance Guy, Stifel, Nicolaus & Co.
"It'd be close. Fredbird, he's been known to bite people's heads and pull their legs. He's trained in guerilla tactics. And the chicken, he's scored KOs just by breathing on people with his 30-Dime-Wine breath. The chicken has been cooped up and he's ready to rumble, but Fredbird has the advantage because he's on the side of right. Any mascot that sticks with the Cardinals through and through is definitely on the right side."
Mascot, Manchester Maulers Rugby Team
"The Dirt Cheap Chicken, because he's dirty and he'll take cheap shots. Fredbird would fight, but he'd probably hold back. He can't get suspended. He's got to make it to the World Series and help the Cards crush the Yankees."
Stylist, Lemon Spalon
"From what I've heard, the Dirt Cheap Chicken is a south-sider and a real scrapper. I think he'd take a bottle of 30-Dime Wine and crack it over Fred's head and then finish him off West Side Story-style, snapping his fingers and dancing around, cackling like a maniac."
Royce "Bottomless Pit" Bare
Semifinalist, St. Louis Brat-A-Thon
"Definitely Fredbird, just because the Cardinals are on a roll, a true juggernaut of a team, can't let nothing stop 'em."