Monday, January 8, 2007

Fuck McGwire, Sammy Hagar's in the Hall

Posted By on Mon, Jan 8, 2007 at 1:29 PM
David Lee Roth: Reckless, peerless, assless.

Van Halen is in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame — this should come as no shock to anyone who has ever listened to rock & roll, or to Van Halen. Come to think of it, the fact that the Rock Hall actually waited until 2006 to announce the mighty Van Halen's acceptance is a shock. VH's first album was released in 1978, and the Hall's rules mandate a 25-year waiting period between first album and induction. So, if you're going to be a stickler for the "rules" (how very rock & roll of you), VH was eligible in 2003. It's good that the Hall's monitors deliberated that extra three years about Edward Van Halen's worthiness; he only drove a generation to pick up the electric guitar, marry gorgeous television stars and name their children "Wolfgang." Apparently the rock & rollness of Eddie was still under debate in 2003.

Or maybe that extra three years was spent in a discussion of ballot etiquette. Van Halen infamously shrugged off the genius of frontman David Lee Roth in 1985, opting instead for the workmanlike serviceability of St. Louis' adopted son, Sammy Hagar, as lead vocalist. Sammy, of course, gave way to Gary Cherone, then Dave briefly, and then Sammy again (but just for a lucrative tour).

So who's being inducted, exactly? The official Rock and Roll Hall of Fame announcement defines Van Halen as follows: Michael Anthony, Sammy Hagar, Alex Van Halen, Edward Van Halen, David Lee Roth.

With no respect whatsoever we ask, "Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, WTF?" Despite Sammy's persistent and inexplicable popularity in St. Louis, how dare you list this journeyman tequila salesman before David Lee Roth on the announcement? How dare you list him at all! Van Halen involves only the Bros. Van Halen, Michael Anthony and DAVID LEE ROTH. What you have here on your ballot is a mutant hybrid of Van Halen and Van Hagar.

I ask you: Did you induct the Beatles with Pete Best and Ringo? Did you induct the Ramones with Clem Burke? Did you induct the Stooges with Ron Asheton and James Williamson — OK, that's a trick question, because you have yet to induct the Stooges. And that's because you're idiots and anti-rock, but that's an entirely different rant.

Of course, this could mean that David Lee Roth and Sammy Hagar are going to actually take the stage together to accept the "honor" of induction. And that alone could actually force me to watch the induction ceremony when they air on some basic cable channel later this year.

Nah, fuck it. It took you three years to decide on Van Halen, and even with the extra time you still botched it by including Hagar. I'll watch it on YouTube the day after.

- Paul Friswold


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