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Thursday, October 2, 2008

Ten Suggested Jobs for a Post-Rams Scott Linehan

Posted By on Thu, Oct 2, 2008 at 9:16 AM

You know, here at the Rundown, we care about our sporting heroes. We really do. I mean, just think of all the hours of enjoyment we get from these people, and all they ask in return is salaries in the millions of dollars, the worship of countless strangers, and the occasional cocaine-and-malt-liquor-enhanced orgy. Truly, these are saints that we follow.

So when we hear that one of our heroes has fallen on hard times, it hurts us. It really does. We take it upon ourselves to help them out in any way possible. After all, it's the least we can do to try and return just a little of the joy that they have given us.

Scott Linehan was let go by the St. Louis Rams just this past Tuesday. When the Rundown staff heard this, they were absolutely devastated. Devastated, I say. Well, I just couldn't bear to see them all looking so down, so I promised everyone that I would personally come up with some way that we could help Mr. Linehan get back on his feet again. And then, it hit me.

We could help Linny (that's our own little pet name for him), find a new job.


Former Rams Head Coach Scott Linehan
  • Former Rams Head Coach Scott Linehan

Former Rams Head Coach Scott Linehan
And so, after hours of painstaking research -- and by research I mean I drank a bottle of vodka in my neighbor's hot tub the other night while they were out -- I think I've come up with some can't-miss suggestions.

So without further ado, the Rundown staff would like to present their list of the ten best jobs for good ol' Linny to consider.

1. Sleep Counselor: Just picture it. You're suffering. You're exhausted. You haven't slept in weeks. What are you going to do? Well, enter Scott Linehan and one of his patented big game day speeches. Four minutes later, you're snoring happily away, all your troubles forgotten. Thanks, Linny!

2. Anger Management Counselor: Hey, he's managed to get the Rams to calm down, hasn't he?

3. Cooking Show Host: I don't really have a reason for this one; I would just like to see it.

4. Al-Qaeda Public Relations: You ever heard one of Linehan's Monday press conferences? The man can make anything sound like it's just a work in progress, no matter how bad it looks.

5. Zeppelin Pilot: Oh, the humanity!

6. Mime Trainer: Well, I can't imagine it could get any worse if he didn't speak.

7. Grief Counselor: He's calm, he's comforting, and he's certainly familiar with heartbreaking losses. What more could you ask for?

8. Professional Bodyguard: If you can dodge a question, you can dodge a bullet.

9. Fiction Novelist: Linny has pretty well proven he doesn't care much for drafts. Just think of how many books he could turn out.

10. Football Coach: I've got a tip. St. Sebastian's School for Unstable Girls is looking for a coach, Coach. Chief requirement? You have to be able to avoid making a large group of emotionally crippled eight year old girls cry while playing football. I have to say, I think I smell a love connection.

Good luck, Linny. We're all pulling for you. And hey, if you happen to find yourself one day, flying a blimp over a football stadium, just remember: whatever you do above the stadium, it can't be much worse than what you did in it. So that's comforting, right?

-Aaron Schafer

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