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Monday, November 24, 2008

The Blues are Sadly Giving Hockey MILF's a Reason to Cheer Again

Posted By on Mon, Nov 24, 2008 at 12:11 PM

I thought that the St. Louis Blues and I had a deal.

They were suffering under the weight of a terrible curse, and I was just the guy who was going to help them take care of it. Things were going to be great. A bunch of area hockey moms were going to make the ultimate sacrifice (by the way, ladies, it always hurts when you refer to it that way), in order to get the team on track. The Blues would get rid of their curse, and life would be wonderful again.

See, I was perfectly willing to do my civic duty. I was willing to entertain large  numbers of ladies, on my own time, sans compensation, even, just to help out the hockey team. What can I say? I'm a giver.

Apparently, though, someone forgot to give the Blues the message. 'Cause guess what? All of a sudden, they're winning hockey games again, and here I sit, with absolutely no line of H-MILF's at my door.

I mean, for the love of god, even back-up goalie Chris Mason got into the mix. Chris effing Mason. Remember the guy who was 0-5 in his first five games? Nice guy, that Mason. Very accommodating. You in a scoring slump? Hey, don't worry. Mason'll help you right out. So what does he do? Goes out Saturday night and gives up only a lone goal in the Blues' 2-1 win over Minnesota.

What about my scoring slump, Chris? What about all the lovely ladies who were willing to put it on the line to further the cause of St. Louis hockey? Was it all for naught?

So Chris Mason, screw you. And Manny Legace, screw you, too. Go back to the DL, you're not welcome here. Brad Boyes? Stop scoring! Let someone else score for a change! Me, for instance.

Erik Johnson, you're cool. You were supposed to be out for the year, and that's just what you've done. Tore up your knee, right? See, now that's a wingman, right there. And he's a defenseman, for pete's sake! How is that none of you supposed "wingers" know how to actually be wingmen? It's ridiculous.

Look, Blues, maybe we just got our wires crossed, huh? Hey, don't worry, guys. It happens. I know you meant well and all. Things are cool, okay? But now that we're all on the same page, how's about you guys just do what I asked you in the first place, huh? 'Cause trust me, that curse is still all over you guys. You may not realize it at the moment, but it totally is. Yeah, sure, you're winning hockey games right now. But guess what? They're hollow victories. They're victories without honor. Victories coming under the shadow of darkness. Victories without any benefit to me personally. So let's get it right this time.

Okay, guys. Good talk. I feel like we really got some things out in the open. I'm sorry that I maybe got a little upset back there, but man, I just thought that we were on the same page with this whole thing, and then you guys pull this kind of- you know what? It's over. I'm not going to get all upset again. Deep breaths, Aaron.

So, what are we going to see? That's right. We're going to see some bad hockey. We're going to see some soft goals out there, right? Some weak power plays? Maybe even a bad penalty or two?

Aw, you know I can't stay mad at you guys. Get out of here. And let's never fight again, okay? Hey, I'll even send some of the 'sacrifices' you way? Cool? Right. It's a deal.

Boyes, I'm not kidding.

Alright, ladies. That's settled. Now let's get that curse taken care of, 'kay?

- Aaron Schafer

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