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Thursday, February 5, 2009

Unreal's Probe Into Fat Midwestern Underachievers Continues Apace

Posted By on Thu, Feb 5, 2009 at 7:00 AM

Seems Unreal wasn't alone in probing the soft underbelly of the American Midwest. Even as we were toiling away, collecting data about our region's purported crush on Paul Blart: Mall Cop (which, incidentally, we've been too busy to actually go out and see), our fellow investigative journalists at the Onion were publishing a stunning exposé about a Japanese teen with a thing for fat, sweaty Midwestern men!

Don't believe us? Our interest was piqued by the headline on a January 30 Onion story:

Asian Teen Has Sweaty Middle-Aged-Man Fetish

click to enlarge Are you a Midwestern tub of lard? Misaki Nakajima is hot for you! - THE ONION
  • The Onion
  • Are you a Midwestern tub of lard? Misaki Nakajima is hot for you!
Young Far Eastern girls have a thing for overweight, middle-aged guys? Surely it's just a coincidence that this story should turn up now, right?


Check out this detail about the story's protagonist, one Misaki Nakajima, of Aomori:

Drawn by her curiosity, Nakajima has scheduled a vacation to St. Louis for early March. The trip--which falls on her 18th birthday--reportedly coincides with the American Society of Actuaries' annual convention, a four-day event during which Nakajima hopes to be seduced by "the heavyset man of [her] dreams."
Unfortunately, Unreal's attempts to contact Miss Nakajima have so far not panned out. Nor has the "reported" timing of her visit to our fair city: There is no American Society of Actuaries -- hasn't been one since the late 19th century. There is a Society of Actuaries, and the group is holding a convention in March, but it's in Las Vegas.

Bummer, right? Well, not so fast!

Not to impugn the Onion's line of reasoning, but don't conventioneers generally come from out of town? That being the case, she's just as likely to meet a fat, sweaty Midwesterner when there's no convention going on than when there is one.

Of course, if she's got her heart set on conventioneers, this year St. Louis is set to host the Association for Iron & Steel Technology, the International Congress of Plant Molecular Biology, the National Institute of Governmental Purchasing and the Wound Ostomy & Continence Nurses Society.

So it shouldn't be a total loss.

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