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Thursday, August 20, 2009

The Creepiest Tim Tebow Article You'll Ever Read

Posted By on Thu, Aug 20, 2009 at 9:00 AM

Ordinarily, I'm a big fan of Gentlemen's Quarterly magazine. I freely admit I have a bit of a thing for fashion. Don't judge me. The articles in GQ are pretty okay, too, with plenty of solid journalism and, usually, pretty damned fine interviews. I used to be a subscriber, in fact, but I forgot to renew last time my subscription was up and haven't rectified the situation as of yet. 
click to enlarge Ummm... No comment. - THECOLLEGEFOOTBALLGUYS.BLOGSPOT.COM
  • Ummm... No comment.
However, I have to say, the most recent issue of GQ contains a profile of Florida quarterback Tim Tebow that is, quite frankly, more than a little bit weird. 

The piece is written by Jason Fagone, and is entitled "Does God Have a Tim Tebow Complex?" The title is easily the least worshipful part of the entire article.

I'm going to ignore all the irritating God stuff. Okay, we get it. Tim Tebow loves him some Jesus. Good for him. Just once, I would love for an athlete to be asked about how it feels to accomplish something and answer, "Well, Bob, it feels great to know I didn't need an imaginary higher power to convince me I'm a worthwhile being capable of succeeding in life, you know? And also, I knew that with two men on, the pitcher didn't want to load the bases, so I was probably gonna see a strike."

But I digress. I said I was going to let it go, and I'm going to try. 

No, what I found really weird about this whole article wasn't the hyper-religiosity; it was the creepy Tebow worship I focused on.

Here's Mr. Fagone's description of Tebow's physique: 

"Tebow is six feet three and 245 pounds, all thick polygons and smooth flat planes and inescapable corn-fed handsomeness. He's wearing a billowy white shirt and loose-fitting jeans that somehow only underscore the solidity of his bulk, like a tarpaulin draped over a concrete pylon. You can see why coaches have always wanted to deploy his body as a battering ram."

Oh my. So what I'm getting here is he's awful big and awful muscley and awful handsome. And someone wants to use him as a battering ram. Is that a euphemism? Okay. 

"He looks smaller in person than on TV or on a stage. Something to do with the geometry of his body, the relentless blockiness; distance turns Tebow into a cartoon. Close-up he's rounder, reassuringly 3-D, wearing a sea blue T-shirt and long ivory shorts."

Ivory shorts? Really? Hey, maybe he's just being descriptive. That's what I choose to believe. But there's something about this whole thing that sounds a bit like a fourteen-year-old girl's journal, don't you think? 

A bit more: 

"His chin is stubbly. He smells strongly of deodorant, and his thick-lashed eyes are impressively serene..."

Okay, seriously. His thick-lashed eyes? And what's that you were saying about his scent? I kept expecting the words, "musky, almost... sensual," to crawl across the page at some point. I have the people from Harlequin on Line 2, and they are most definitely interested. However, they're going to need some notes on the texture of the skin surrounding his navel. What can you give me? 

I kid, I kid. There's plenty of non-weird, interesting stuff in the article too, including a bit about Tebow's father hoping for martyrdom I found disturbing in a much more real way than what I've been joking about here. However, I have to admit, even after reading pages and pages of stuff about a man whose personal beliefs are so counter to my own, the main thing I really took away from the article is that someone has a serious crush on Tim Tebow. 

Not that there's anything wrong with that, of course. 

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