Monday, February 8, 2010

Ten Things You Should Know About the Super Bowl

Posted By on Mon, Feb 8, 2010 at 1:47 AM

click to enlarge LombardiTrophy.jpg
Okay, so my prediction maybe wasn't particularly accurate. Turns out I didn't give the Saints' secondary enough credit. Now, in my defense, they didn't stop Peyton Manning and the Colts, but they did slow them down and make one very, very big play. 
Unfortunately for me, I not only drew all my money out of the bank to lay down on the Colts' side, I went and pawned all my furniture, half my clothes, and took out a second mortgage on my house to try and maximize my winnings. Sigh. There's two hundred bucks I'll never see again. 

So what did we learn from the Super Bowl this year? Well, I'll tell you, and it won't take long, either. 

Thing #1: Maybe Dwight Freeney makes a difference after all. 
See, I didn't see Freeney being out as a huge deal for the Colts. I figured, "Hey, they weren't going to keep New Orleans out of the endzone anyway; losing Freeney won't be a huge blow." Well, guess what? I was wrong. Aside from a very slight handful of plays, the Colts were unable to put virtually any pressure at all on Drew Brees. I could have thrown for 250 yards with that kind of pass protection. I was more disappointed with the anemic pass rush of Indianapolis than any other aspect of the game. 

Thing #2: Peyton Manning is still really good.
Manning did nearly everything right. He was accurate. He made throws I couldn't believe actually made it to the intended receiver. He ran the offense with his typical verve and effectiveness. In fact, Peyton Manning only did two things wrong Sunday: he threw one very costly pick and he didn't play defense. 

Thing #3: Drew Brees is also really good.
Drew Brees completed 82.1% of his passes. Eight two. Point one. That's the second-highest in Super Bowl history. And it wasn't the product of a hot pair of hands on a receiver; Brees spread the ball around to all comers. I'm pretty sure the kid playing drums for The Who caught one. 

Thing #4: Speaking of the Who, Who the hell was dat? 
The Who were not good. Period. And I say that as someone who loves The Who a great deal. Roger Daltrey sounded alright after he backed off the throttle a bit, but he was way, way overdoing the volume early in the performance. But what was really startling was the fact Pete Townshend apparently has completely lost the ability to sing. I realise this is one of the hazards of using rock dinosaurs almost exclusively ever since the world was nearly destroyed by approximately half a boob, but seriously. The halftime show was just awful. The light show part was cool, I suppose. 

Thing #5: Medleys still suck. 
Who in the hell came up with the concept of a medley? It's literally the worst of all possible performance options. What about just a straight performance of "Won't Get Fooled Again?" Hey, it's like nine minutes long; that's about how long they needed to fill. It would have been a whole hell of a lot better than listening to bits and pieces of half a dozen songs. And no, I don't care Townshend would have immediately had to have been taken to the hospital for rotator cuff surgery related to excessive windmilling. Not even a little bit. 

Thing #6: Dat is not a word. 
I'm serious, people. Dat is not a real word. Okay? So stop putting it in stories and headlines and everything else. It's that. T-H-A-T. That. (On a related note, pay no attention to thing #4.) 

Thing #7: Dem isn't either. 
Just saying. 

Thing #8: GoDaddy commercials are effing creepy. 
I don't know who thinks those things are still a good idea. Okay, I get that the first one had girls taking their clothes off for no good reason. Fine. I can get behind that. I'm not immune to the charms of the ladies. I once bought the worst cheeseburger in the world from Hardee's because a girl on a mechanical bull told me to.  But the whole thing with Danica Patrick living in a world of bisexual nymphomaniac exhibitionists all trying to trade favours to her for web hosting fees or commercial gigs is just creepy and weird. Girls Gone Wild advertisements are much, much less unsettling. (And much, much more subtle.) It's enough to make a man long for the days when women made out in public for light beer instead of low-cost domain names. Sometimes the old ways are the best ways. 

Thing #9: I suck at picking football scores. 
Really, folks. Please don't listen to me. I'm pretty much just throwing darts over here. A monkey making sweet, slow love to a calculator would turn out better predictions than me.  

And finally, 

Thing #10: New Orleans deserves this. 
I love the city of New Orleans. I've been a few times, but not since Katrina. I hated the thought of having to see such a magnificent city brought so low. So I've stayed away. 

I don't know if winning a football game can really make any kind of difference in the lives of the people of New Orleans. But you know what? I wouldn't bet against it. So congratulations to the city of New Orleans and their Saints. Dat's one hell of a beautiful thing. Ah, damn it. 

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